I Only Miss Who You Used To Be

By

When I say ‘I miss you’ it doesn’t mean I miss the person you are now. When I say ‘ I miss you’ it doesn’t mean I want to kiss the lips that probably still taste like honey when connected to mine. When I say ‘I miss you’ it doesn’t mean I want to melt into your arms that used to hold me so tight.

You are foreign to me now. Your skin cells have been turned over. Your face has been cleansed of the scent of me. Your hands haven’t touched me in years. 

And I have been cleansed too. My hands don’t know what it feels like to be intertwined with yours. My lips don’t know what it feels like to kiss yours anymore. I am beginning again, every day, every month, and every year that passes.

You are not my ‘you’ anymore. And I am not yours.

So, when I say ‘ I miss you’, it doesn’t mean I want to love you anymore. And it doesn’t mean I am in love with you anymore. Because truth be told, I do not know you. The sound of your laugh is far away now. Your lopsided smile is so fogged up in my mind, that sometimes I think it’s just a shadow. Your ghost does not haunt me anymore. And whenever it comes back, it leaves in a hurry. Because, it knows that I don’t want it anymore.

So, I do not miss the you that you are right now. I don’t miss the ‘you’ of today. You’re a stranger to me. And I wouldn’t recognize that face anymore. I don’t know the you that hasn’t touched me. I don’t know the you who hasn’t loved me. I don’t know the you who doesn’t ever miss me.

I don’t know the you that doesn’t want me in your life. And I don’t miss the you that I haven’t met.

I miss another version of you. Before your cells turned over. And before your bones shifted. I miss the version of you that wore my scent on your sleeves, and the version of you that believed in us. I miss the version of you that made me three cups of tea because you couldn’t decide which one I liked best. I miss the version of you that bought me a ring from Tiffany’s.

I do not miss you. I do not long for you.

I miss him. The one who promised me a lifetime. The one who never wanted to let go.

That’s the person that I miss. Not you.