I Can Hold Your Body, But I Can’t Reach Your Heart

You lay your head next to me and I can stroke your arms, but you don’t let me in. You don’t let me in the way I want to be let in, anyway.

I can touch you and feel your body close to mine, but I don’t know if I’ll ever reach your heart.

You talk to me, but your words are lacking depth and they’re lacking meaning.

You ask me questions and I open my heart up to you, but you don’t give me anything back. You keep it guarded and make me wonder. You make me want to know you more and maybe that’s why I stay.

Maybe I stay lying next to a perfect stranger just hoping that one night I’ll be able to crack the shell you’ve built around your heart. Maybe I’m hoping that I’ll be able to know you better and you’ll let me in. Maybe I’m hoping I’ll be the one who can change you, heal you.

Because for so long I’ve been that person; the one who is better at pushing people away than allowing them in.

I know what it’s like to be closed off and cold. I know what it’s like to be scared and holding out on love. I know what it’s like to have loved and lost, but the thing is I’m ready to try again.

I really am.

And I want to try with you.

I want to roll over and know you. I want to know you deeper than the way you do between the sheets when we’re lost in each other. I want to know you deeper than the cheap conversations we exchange. I want to know you; like really know you.

I want to know what you’re thinking.

I want to know what’s inside your head. I want to know the first thought that runs through your mind when you wake up. I want to know the things that scare you and the things the hurt you. I want to know if you’ll ever be able to love me or if you just call me when you’re lonely.

I want to know your soul.

I don’t want to know your exterior and the labels you give yourself because I already know those things. Those things don’t have depth or meaning to me. I want to know the parts of you that you don’t show the world. I want to know the parts you keep hidden under lock and key.

I want to know you so much deeper than what you’re giving me.

But I don’t know if you can do that.

At least not with me.

I can hold your body late at night, I can create conversation and we can laugh together in bed.

But we don’t know each other, not really.

And to be honest, that’s all I want. I want all of you. I want more than your body, I want your words and I want to touch your heart.

And if you can’t give me that, I don’t know how much longer I can stay.

But I’ll wait a little longer; I haven’t given up just yet.