I Won’t Blame You Anymore, Father

For the past four or five years I thought my inability of falling in love with a man, to be in a proper relationship with any man, was all your fault. You know, a lot of people say it, must be because she has a not so good relationship with her father. I don’t even have an awful relationship with mine, I simply decided to not have one at all.

But can I blame it all on that? My inability of speaking to guys, my constant instinct of falling for all the wrong ones, those who are already taken, not capable of committing or being in a relationship, or those who are simply just not interested in me and will never be. I can’t keep on telling myself that it’s my non-existent relationship with my father which causes all of this. I make my own decisions, I decide who to fall in love with, who to let in, who can break my heart this year and who can’t, so what does it have to do with you, father?

I will take full responsibility from now on – who I pick, if they for any weird coincidence seem to have some features that remind me of you, if I will be able or not to love them for real, if I will let them destroy me once again without even protesting, without even being able to defend myself.

What it have been different if I would have decide to let you stay in my life? Because truth is, I don’t think so. We never had a proper conversation about guys, no one ever told me what to do and how to handle them. One day I just started making out and figuring out all the ways to make them happy, keep them quiet, get what I wanted back, how to smile, what to say, so would it have been any different?

Maybe I wouldn’t have that massive empty space that I keep carrying around and trying to fill with pointless and mostly temporary love, but would I be seeing someone, be in a stable relationship since 2013, having marriage talks or having kids? I don’t think so, not even if you’d still be here, pretending to be the perfect father that you’re not. It would have been the same, or maybe I just keep lying to myself.

Who knows, but one thing is certain, I won’t blame you anyway, it’s done. I’m not blaming anyone for anything, anymore. Maybe I will always be incapable of loving anyone, maybe that we have in common. Can you take it? For everything else, I’m afraid, I will carry it on my own shoulders from now on. You’re free: guilt free. It’s all on me now.