To Anyone Who Thought I ‘Wasn’t Trying’ During Depression: I Forgive You

Mental illness and depression are one of those things that, unless you have been through it yourself, you will have no idea the pain and suffering someone else may be going through.

But, of course as human nature would have it, we see others struggle and we minimize their pain because we aren’t them.

We can’t feel the pain that has caused them to want to take their own lives.

To look down and leap from the edge of a world that failed them of happiness and most of all, hope for better days.

I know, because I was one of those people drowning in despair while others looked on, feeling sadness and pity for me.

Some tried to empathize, while others accused me of “seeking attention, not being grateful enough, being selfish, or complaining.” 

But I really wasn’t.

I was screaming inside for someone to understand that I was trying my best and that I didn’t ask for depression to invade my life, my territory, or my breathing space.

But it came and I had to deal, even in front of people who didn’t understand and saw me as an outsider or strange for having depression as a young person.

It came and I had to deal with the remarks that put me down even further because I never anticipated the darkness that would become a huge part of my life and in the end, rob me of it as well.

So to everyone who simply looked on as a passerby as I tried to change the flat tires on a car that never ceased to drag along this road called life, I am trying.

Every day that I get up and put on my makeup and my clothes even though I feel like sinking back into the sheets, a little more, I am trying.

When I carry on even though insecurity and exhaustion weigh me down day and day out, but I have the courage to crack a smile anyways, I am trying.

I always was and I still am and I do forgive you for thinking that I wasn’t all along.

You are simply another human being trying to understand why I was unhappy when the sun shone and the birds chirped and sung its songs to you.

I forgive you because you wouldn’t understand unless you were me.

But nevertheless, I am trying.