How To Keep That Special Somebody! Forever!

Psychological Profiling

This is probably the easiest method to disguise to the outside world, and therefore the most common! This will, however, require the biggest time commitment from you. First you’re going to want to research some basic psychology. Lots of people enjoy the work of Freud but I’ve never found it to apply in real life. Just pick up a Psychology 101 textbook from your local community college (and perhaps Sun Tzu’s The Art of War) and master the basics. From here you’ll need to build a specific profile of your new love! Cold call their friends and family and pretend to be investigating a murder or doing a survey to build up your database of information about them. Then simply employ tactics accordingly. Do they fear water? Arrange a situation in which you save them from drowning. Do they have a dead father? Start smoking a pipe and lending them money for sweets! Etc.

Voodoo

It’s important to separate the religious and cultural practice of voodoo from what we see in the movies on on TV, as these depictions are often colored by xenophobia and racism. What we’ll be working here is good, old fashioned, stereotyped voodoo just like the witch doctors of Chipmunks past have employed. You will need: A small animal, a dagger, a lock of your beloved’s hair, the ashes of an elder, and some mozzarella cheese (for snacking). My editors have informed me that I cannot divulge the actual process of working a voodoo love spell, as it may endanger the public, but I think you and me both know that a little Googling will get you to the appropriate episode of American Horror Story. Just emulate that.

Stockholm Syndrome

It’s not an urban legend; the longer you have somebody kidnapped, the fonder they will grow of you. Just ask Patty Hearst! This is also very convenient if you have not taken a liking to the friends and family of your new paramore, as they will need to be cut out of their life entirely. Nothing could be more romantic than creating a little cult just for the two of you. Not only will you get some valuable time alone, you’ll also get to sightsee as you travel the country avoiding the authorities and their pesky pursuit of justice. Ideal for the cash-wealthy or resourceful types but not recommended for extroverts.

Blackmail

If, during the course of your courtship, you discover that the one for you has some deep dark secret(s) they simply refuse to let come to light then use them to your advantage. Blackmail has been employed by resourceful and clever spouses for centuries and who doesn’t love a traditional marriage? If you’re unfortunate enough to have fallen for a good person without any deep, dark, shameful skeletons in their closet then it can be fruitful to generate some! Frame them for a murder or convince them they’re broken some obscure law. Then they’ll be putty in your loving, gentle hands.

War-of-the-Roses Style Grudge

Nothing conquers the power of love, but sometimes the power of hate can be just as effective! If your spouse has a straying eye or plans to drop you for a newer model the best advice I can give is to maintain control of them through the tendrils of your interconnect lives and finances. They may despise you until the day you die but at least you know you’ll be under the same roof every night and probably talking/screaming at each other every day! Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? Not you!

Rope

Now a lot of the methods we’ve been discussing here are pretty high-level and complicated but that kind of psychological work just isn’t for everyone. Don’t underestimate the power of elbow grease. A strong, well maintained length of rope can tie somebody to you just as well as manipulation and witchcraft. For those whose beloved bruises easily I can also recommend handcuffs, a straight jacket, or even (in a pinch) a bucket of industrial strength glue. Never let a lack of planning or book-learning keep you from pursuing your goals when the opportunity presents itself.

Murder/Suicide

Till death do us part? Fine, then just make forever come to you. They say only the good die young and you do want to be good, don’t you? You can dispose of yourself and your smoochie-friend by just about any creative method you can imagine. If you’re looking to get national media exposure just remember that the more creative you can get with this: the better. Just to be sure to get the order correct… you don’t want to go to all that trouble for nothing!