A Breakup Letter To Facebook


Dear soon to be x-lover,

Despite all the fun times we had, I think we should go our separate ways. Its not you, it’s me.

You came into my life on a cold winter morning in 2008. I remember opening up to you right at the start. You asked me my favorite movies, books, and foods. I spent hours upon hours of deep thought and suffering to come up with answers to all the questions. You met all my 187 friends in the first week! Our relationship continued to grow as time progressed. You saw old photos of my family, you got to read what my friends wrote about me, and you even knew my hometown. I would bleed my emotions out on my wall and you were right there to support me. In the beginning, everything was so easy. We spent tons of time together and I loved every minute of it.

In 2009 we hit the peak of our relationship. We began connecting with one another and I discovered an entirely new aspect of you; your Farmville. These were the glory days. I remember putting on my best button down and tie, and gazing into your eyes for hours on end. You would draw me back by sending me romantic notifications like, “Your corn are ready to pick” and “You found an albino sheep”. I loved spending time with you and even skipped some family dinners so I could be with you. It was one of the best years of my life, and I will cherish the memories we made.

But then I began to grow a little jealous of the other people you had been spending time with too. My best friend, Drew, had a farm twice the size of my farm. A girl in my history class, Shaye, had more cows on her farm! Even my mom had a big red tractor and all I could afford was a plow. That’s when things started to go downhill for me.

2010 was a rough year for us. As I matured emotionally and physically, I began to grow old of you. All my friends were raving about this new, hot, sexy thing called “Twitter”. Twitter limited my deepest thoughts into 140 characters, and I felt restricted. I wanted to be with you, but the world was changing, and you were not. I got annoyed with all the notifications you would send me. If you really wanted me back, you would have played hard to get. But instead you seemed desperate, and that was a huge turnoff.

Then I began to warm up to twitter. I gained followers at a fast rate and followed my favorite athletes like LeBron James and Shaun White. I learned so much more on twitter. Did you know that people who stay up later at night are likely to be more intelligent than those who go to bed early? Twitter taught me so much about myself and the world around me while you offered statuses that were way too long.

I liked you so much Facebook, but I couldn’t stay loyal. The duller our relationship became, the more I wanted to love another. Instagram would like all of my photos and that made me feel comforted. They let me filter my photos so that I looked like a male model. Instagram complimented me, and all you had to offer was advertisements and people complaining. More and more social media options came into my life, and the time seemed right for you to go.

It’s 2013, Facebook, and you haven’t done anything different. You still harbor all my prom pictures and my birthday wishes, but other then that you have been outdated. I really wanted our relationship to work, but certain things about you really grinded my gears.

First of all, I wish you had gotten rid of all the people who posted their super close-minded, and semi-controversial beliefs out into the open. When someone would go to write a status, the text box would read, “What is on your mind?”. Some people took that way too seriously. A status like “those who do not believe in God are nothing” or “Guns don’t kill people, people kill people” had me in complete and utter rage. I wanted to argue with these people and try to show them the other side of the argument, but you wanted to make a fool out of me by showing the public my rebuttal, so I resisted. You crossed the line when you let my uncle Dan post hundreds of pictures displaying radical ideas like “If more sane people were armed, the crazy people would get off fewer shots”. I knew things were going south but I wanted to hang onto our relationship.

Then came the era of selfies. Wow. I couldn’t believe the amount people who would put on their duck face and pose in their bathroom mirror. Out of all the places to take a picture of yourself, you chose the bathroom, gross. Guys would pose shirtless, girls would pose with minimal clothing, and shit was just awkward. The selfie era made me uncomfortable but you didn’t stop there.

Occasionally I would try to hang out with you. I remember one time, I went to go spend some time with you when I was alerted I had 14 event invites! What? I must be the most popular kid out there. People probably realized my awesomeness and invited me to all their sick parties! Wrong. All the invitations were to “lost phone, need numbers” events.  Losing your phone isn’t an event. How about you get some contacts from one of your friends. It’s the 21st century, be innovative.

The final straw was your ability to mess my life up. If my friends would even get near my phone, they would go to you and immediately change my birthday or post a status like, “I love little boys.” The sad thing is when my best friend would post happy birthday on my wall after you changed it. I would sit there like “dude, my birthday was 2 weeks ago, you were there”. My relatives and business affiliates also think I am a pedophile, so thanks for that.

I’m sorry Facebook, but things got weird, and I’m just not that into you anymore.

Best of luck with the next generation,


Kids born in the 90s 

image – Shutterstock