A Complete Guide To Hating Everything

I hate myself.

This one goes first because nothing’s more intense than the hate you have for yourself, honey! It can either be a constant sense of self-loathing, like a dull blade that’s perpetually rubbing against your skin, or it can come in intense flashes, triggered by a variety of external factors. Everyone has an “I hate myself” moment. Think about it. Have you hated yourself today?

Double the hate: Stare at yourself naked in the mirror after eating a Chipotle burrito. Text your ex when you’re drunk and never get a response back.

I hate this girl because of reasons x, y, and z.

Hating women is, like, the easiest thing someone can do. SO LAZY AND UNORIGINAL. It’s practically encouraged and engrained in us at birth. Even girls drink the Kool-Aid sometimes and hate other girls! Usually though, if you’re hating a girl, it’s because you think something about them is a threat to your identity. For some reason, you’re scared of their voice, of what they have to say, so you feel the need to protect yourself. Dukes up! It usually has nothing to do with the girl herself. She’s just a vessel for your hate to travel in. Stop doing this, ya dip!

Double the hate: Look at pictures of your ex’s new girlfriend on Facebook. Talk to a girl in a revealing outfit. (“Nice outfit, whore!”) Read stories written by women that are about sex. Look at pictures of pretty models in a fashion magazine. Be a bro who reads Tucker Max.

I hate this person because they’re doing great things and I’m not.

Jealousy is super close to hate. They’re next door neighbors, so it’s very easy to hate someone who is currently experiencing a lot of good fortune. You can channel your insecurities on to their seemingly perfect life and feel instantly relieved. “Gosh, that felt good hating that person for a second. I feel so much better now!” Ha ha, jokes on you sucker! You wanna know why? Because hate never got anyone a fantastic job or an amazing significant other. The only thing it gets you is beachfront property on Bitter Street, where you will live by yourself and your crummy life checking Facebook and scowling till the end of time.

Double the hate: Lose your job. The next day, find out someone you went to school with got a book deal. Remember that they used to write about Golden Retrievers and the ocean floor. You don’t get it. “HMM, MAYBE I SHOULD WRITE MY OWN BOOK NOW. NO, WAIT, I DON’T HAVE TIME. I’M TOO BUSY HATING THINGS.”

I hate rich people.

Hating rich people is sooooo Temptation Island because a lot of them are insane and stupid. That’s fine. You can hate those people on account of them being insane and stupid but don’t bring their financials into the hate. Stripping someone of their voice just because they’re white and/or privileged makes you just as bad as they are. No one chooses to be white or privileged. They’re born into it so it’s pointless to include that in your diatribe. Simply put, it’s a weak argument. Besides, if they’re as deserving of your hate as you think they are, there should be a million reasons why they suck that have nothing to do with class and race.

Double the hate: Spend time in Beverly Hills. Watch The Simple Life. Go to someone’s house party and realize they live in a mansion. Scream, “How can they afford this?!” before jumping out the window.

I hate the internet.

Hating the internet is a constant feeling. It never really goes away, no matter how many notifications we get on Facebook or Twitter followers we have. We hate it because we love it, because it feeds into our worst qualities and rewards them with attention. It’s a major cultivator of our specialness. So, yeah, we hate it because it’s turned us into someone we didn’t want to be. Now it has us all by the balls.

Double the hate: Fall into an internet k-hole, the kind that leads to Heather Graham’s IMDB page, for five hours. Ditch pre-existing plans to continue down the k-hole. Wake up the next day with an internet hangover.

I hate drinking.

BOOOOORINNGGGGG. SNOOOOOOOOZE. Did someone have a bad hangover, babe? Did someone swear off drinking for the next month? Okay, well, good luck with that. You don’t actually hate drinking. It just did you dirty last night so now you’re all butthurt about it. You’ll go back to it very soon because getting drunk is actually fun and makes you be all “Bye!” to your problems and occasionally gives you the confidence to approach someone you never would sober and get laid. HATING DRINKING. HA!

Double the hate: Puke in public. Get into a fight with your best friend. Have a one night stand and realize you have to take a giant dump in the morning. HOW DO YOU GET RID OF THEM WHEN YOU NEED TO POOP SO BADLY?

I hate everything.

Hating everything is so annoying mostly because everything feels just vaguely awful. You can’t pinpoint anything which makes it that much harder to figure out what’s really wrong with you. Spoiler: Nothing’s really wrong. You just woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!

Double the hate: Sleep terribly the night before. Spill coffee on yourself. Feel strong waves of sadness during your morning shower.

I hate where I live!

Hating the city/town where you live is a hate that cannot always be trusted. Is it really the town that you hate or are you just going through a hard time? Did your best friend move? Were you recently dumped? ANSWER ME! I would advise you to sit on your hate for a little bit before you decide to move because, hello, moving is really expensive. It’s a high price to pay for being bummed!

Double the hate: Graduate college and yearn for a new beginning. Realize you’ve slept with every worthwhile person in town.