A Contortionist’s Letter Of Recommendation

To Whom It May Concern:

Ryan has been working at the Circus (right across from the shopping plaza!) for many years now. During his time here he has demonstrated excellent work ethic, adaptability, and team oriented thinking (tension sure does rise when you’re trapped inside a cardboard box with six other people).

Ryan is a well-rounded individual, as well as diagonal, congruent, perpendicular, and other geometrical qualities that met our incredibly strict flexible criteria. I had no choice but to hire him on the spot when I found him in my briefcase.

Ryan knew he wanted to be a contortionist from an early age. As an infant his parents would stuff him inside a suitcase to save on airfare. Not sure whether he had his parents total support, or none at all—he ran away to join the circus, where he met me. That’s right. Me. I’m the guy who helped him get his feet off the ground, and into his mouth.

I’m the one who shaped him into the man he is today. No pun intended. Before he came to me he could barely fold into a proper Trefoil knot, and now, he can sneeze into his own ass with dignity. Talk about improvement!

And that’s not to say that Ryan didn’t get stuck at any point in his career, he did, literally, in an umbrella holder. It was hilarious. However, through extensive training, Ryan eventually learnt that he could get out of any workplace problem with enough persistence and lube. Today, he truly stretches the definition of what it means to be a good contortionist. Again, no pun intended.

Ryan recently underwent a minor health scare, but that did not stop him from coming into work each and every day with a positive attitude and a smile. (He found a lump on his neck. Turns out it was his toe!)

To recap: I’m sure Ryan will make an excellent fit at his next place of work. Okay—that one was intentional.

Sincerely,

Roger Clown