A Conversation With Charlie Sheen
By Thoughtis
These days, Charlie Sheen loves to talk. In fact, some would say it would behoove him to stop talking. But that doesn’t seem very likely. The actor is in the midst of his “I’m On Crack’ media tour and appears to have no plans of stopping anytime soon. Since Thought Catalog loves a good drugged-out interview, we tried to contact Sheen for a chat. After talking to a person named “Queen Majestic” who claimed to be his publicist, we were instructed to meet Charlie at his spaceship, which as it turned out, was actually just his home in Beverly Hills. (Note: This interview is not real even though it very well could be.)
Thought Catalog: Charlie, you recently said in an interview that you were sober and only under the influence of a drug called, “Charlie Sheen?” Can you expand on this? Where does one acquire Charlie Sheen and can it show up on a drug test?
Charlie Sheen: Here’s how you do Charlie Sheen. You take a lot of crack cocaine. Like, a lot of it. And you chase it with a shitload of ego and vacuous sex with hookers and porn stars. Throw in some casual racism and you are FUCKED UP on Sheen. So fucking high. Fuck.
TC: So Charlie Sheen is essentially crack cocaine?
CS:With hookers, ego and casual racism. Don’t forget that.
TC: Sweet. In preparation for our interview, I tried to contact your ex-wives, Denise Richards and Brooke Mueller for quotes, but they were both sort of terrified. Brooke Mueller, for example, screamed and hung up the phone. Denise Richards simply said, “Like my cancelled reality show on E!, it’s complicated.” What gives? Did you beat them with wire hangers or something?
CS: No, bro. No wire hangers. But I have beaten them up using the powers of my mind. Like this one night, I caught the James Bond movie Denise was in on television, and I got so angry. She plays a nuclear physicist, man. Shit is just wrong. So I said to her, “Denise, Charlie Sheen wants you to stop acting because you are very bad at it. ” And she got really upset and was like, “Have you even see my tits in Wild Things? Fuck off.” I got pissed and started using a gift I have called “The Sheening” to slap her in the face. I have a gift. In the end, I totally Chris Browned her without ever laying a finger. God, being Charlie Sheen is so orgasmic fantastic.
TC: It seems pretty disgusting actually.
CS: It sounds like you’re projecting some wild insecurities right now, bro. I get it though. Who wouldn’t want to be me—a 45-year-old crackhead millionaire with a harem of porn stars? I’m the American dream and YOU, my compadre, are just Jewish.
TC: I’m actually just Irish, but okay. Anti-semitism is fine. So what’s the deal with wanting to get paid $3 million an episode to return to Two & A Half Men? You realize thats cray cray, right?
CS: The only thing I realize is my manifest destiny/creation/fornication nation.
TC: Now you’re just saying words that ends in “ation.”
CS: I took a hit of Sheen before you came over. My point is that I’m a genius who doesn’t get out of bed for anything less than $3 million. Like, I love my TV show. I’m going to show up to work tomorrow whether they like it or not. But I fucking hate my TV show and I’m not going to work another day on it. You know?
TC: I don’t know. You just totally contradicted yourself.
CS: Interesting.
{In the backyard, two topless porn stars are tossing around one of Sheen’s children like a football. It looks very scary.)
TC: Charlie, are you aware that your small child is being tossed around by naked porn stars?
CS: My goddesses! I love them so. I met Starla, the girl on the left, at an Applebees in Fontana. She fucking gets Sheen. And she fucks me. There’s something poetic in that, I think.
TC: You’re exhausting and oddly convincing. I think I’m contact high. Usually for these fake celebrity interviews, I make up really weird dialogue, but somehow I’m convinced you would say all of these things IRL.
CS: I say what I am where I am who I am ba dop shoop bop!
TC: I have to leave now. You’ve out Thought Catalogged Thought Catalog.
CS: Thought Catalog? I thought you were from Nylon.