A Conversation You Have With Someone You Secretly Hate


Two girls run into each other at a house party. They have the following exchange.

You: Oh my god, SO good to see you. Sorry I didn’t make it to your birthday party last month. I really felt like I was coming down with something.

Your Frenemy: Oh my god, don’t you even worry about it! I figured you wouldn’t be able to make it. Seriously. Not EVEN an issue.

You: Cool. You know, I LOVE your bangs. Did you just get them done? I’ve always wanted to get them but I really don’t think they’d look good on me. You have a big forehead so they look perfect on you but my forehead is smaller so, you know…..

Your Frenemy: Thanks! You’re too sweet. They’re not new though. I’ve had them for, like, three years. I just don’t think you’ve ever noticed.

You: Are you sure? God, you must’ve just done something different with them tonight.

Your Frenemy: Nope. I’m wearing it the same way I always have…

You: Okay, well, my mistake!

Your Frenemy: Hey, did I see you walking out of Planned Parenthood the other day? The one on Elm? I was driving by and I could’ve sworn it was you…

You: (STIFFENS UP) Um, no. I don’t think so! Haven’t been there recently so it couldn’t have been me.

Your Frenemy: That’s so funny because I was almost positive it was you. You were wearing that backpack with your name stitched on the back. Gosh, you must have a twin roaming around…

You: Yeah, it’s uncanny!

Your Frenemy: (WHISPERS) You know, I just wanted you to know that if you’re going through something, I’M HERE FOR YOU. Seriously. I mean that. Anything you need, don’t hesitate to ask.

You: Um, thanks. I know you’ve been such a good friend to me. I would totally tell you if something was up. I feel like we’ve become close again. I mean, I’m totally over that one time you told everyone I had herpes. Forgive and forget, sister!

Your Frenemy: I’m so glad we’ve moved on from that. It was just such a huge misunderstanding…

You: Oh, I know. And I’ve healed and moved on. No more drama. I think we’re in a good place.

Your Frenemy: Such a good place.

You: I’ve also forgiven the time you switched my birth control with Xanax. And the time you made out with my boyfriend in Cancun. And the time–

Your Frenemy: I was roofied in Cancun, okay?! You know that. I was straight up Marisa Cooper in TJ! And regarding the birth control and Xanax, it was a common mistake! I thought we were past those issues.

You: We are! OMG, we so are. I’m just mentioning it again to show how forgiving I can be.

Your Frenemy: Right. Well. maybe we shouldn’t rehash the painful past. In case you didn’t know, I’ve changed and become a better person.

You: And so have I. You know what? Let’s just hug.

Your Frenemy: We need a hug.

You: Let’s do it.

They embrace awkwardly.

Your Frenemy: I’m glad we did this. To be honest, I feel like there’s been some unresolved tension and I think you and I both needed to have some real talk.

You: Agreed. Well, I’m going to get a drink but I’ll see you in a sec.

Your Frenemy: Perfect.

The second they separate, The frenemy grabs a friend and mouths:

Your Frenemy: I hate that bitch. Let’s go.


So I know this exchange is exaggerated but we’ve all had a variation of this conversation with someone we don’t like. We’re not allowed to hate anyone openly because that would be “too high school” so what do you do instead? Act completely fake and spout off some BS like it’s our job. No one said we had to like everyone. But everyone says we have to pretend. WTF? No. How many times have we sat through conversations when someone is throwing tiny little daggers at us disguised as compliments and we can’t say anything? Instead, we exact our revenge by canceling on plans and not following them back on Twitter. It’s the 2011 way! Oh, and also, don’t ever say that I look “healthy”. We all know that means I look like I bathed in a deep fryer.

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