A Eulogy For My Flip Phone


My LG Versa found his way to me in the spring of 2009. My previous phone was another LG, and while I cannot remember the name, I do know this: it looked like a stainless steel refrigerator. When the Versa first joined me as a partner, I was elated. His text message storing capabilities were four times as much as his predecessor (200!).

The Versa wasn’t just money with the statistics. He combined the best of both worlds. A touch screen was utilized in conjunction with a detachable keyboard-case that allowed you to choose how you wanted to text or navigate the phone. Not to mention the case was essentially impenetrable. The phone was whacked and smashed into many objects throughout its life and did not reduce in capability in the slightest. He survived three Rutgersfests, including the 2009 one, where everything was waterlogged. To those that don’t understand what Rutgersfest is (a large-scale music festival), it was cancelled after the 2011 installment in which several people were shot. I digress.

He could take the heat, but the Versa also knew when the pressure was too much. When falling from dangerous heights, the Versa would explode. The case, phone, and battery would all separate from each other like a goddamn autobot to lessen the shock.

He watched the rise and fall of my one serious relationship in college, chronicling important texts with his revolutionary “lock” feature that allowed me to reference texts from months or years back to make a point because I obviously had to win all of the pointless arguments. He was like my personal attorney, only charging me roughly $20 a month (and that was with the unlimited texting plan).

The Versa did things that other phones wish they could have done. He jumped out of a plane 10,000 feet in the air and lived to text the tale afterward. He went through the washing machine not once, but twice, and then called someone two hours after. He trudged through dirt, grime, and histological chemicals (in a safe laboratory setting, of course) and never spontaneously shut off once. He also survived two hurricanes, and was part of a communication line that dealt with transporting 260 people during an evacuation. All of this was done, mind you, without Siri.

He could not play Angry Birds, Doodle Jump, Candy Crush, or perform a “Snap Chat,” but he did have an amazing demo for Need for Speed Underground, that even let you choose to play with or without sound.

The Versa was also an incredible actor. Countless times when I was be in the presence of someone I did not want to make eye contact with, he would pretend to text people for me, or pretend that I was on a call with someone so I could seem busy or important while essentially just avoiding others.

Several days before his untimely demise, I took the Versa to a Samsung Galaxy S4 stand, where the hosts were offering a $40 gift card to anyone whose phone could beat the S4 in a challenge. Naturally, Versa did not want to back down. It didn’t matter that he didn’t have S-beam capabilities, transporting up to 1GB of data by simply touching another phone, we still had fun. We laughed when I dropped and recovered him unscathed to then playfully ask to see the Samsung people drop their phone and see what happens. Sometimes show the younger generations need to understand the durability that you could get back in the old days. I guess they just don’t make them like they used to.

The LG Versa met his untimely demise in a bad longboarding accident. The fact that it’s completely my fault haunted me for at least a couple weeks. I was going much too fast down a hill and fell, flipping down the asphalt several times like a rag doll. I got up to find myself unscathed, and thanked my luck. Versa was not so lucky.

In the end, my LG Versa performed like a true boss and broke my fall, giving his functionality for me in a way that I previously did not think inanimate objects could. If my cut does not heal correctly, I will always remember him for that scar.

You should know that despite all of this, the phone is not completely dead. Although the screen is broken, the case, while still connected, still allows me to receive calls and call the most recent person that has called me. I dare you to find another phone out there with such a sense of service.

Rest in Peace, LG Versa. It was a long and crazy ride, and despite you taking your fair share of ridicule from the smart phone users that just didn’t understand, you performed like a champ through and through. I will sincerely treasure all the times we had together, and all of the tough times that you pushed through with me.

Text me when you get to heaven. There’s no way I’ll change my number.