A Glimpse Inside Of A Four Year ‘Almost Relationship’

In or out? I finally chose out.

He had this glow about him, almost like the moon. This luminous, untouchable radiance and I just wanted a sliver.

I had been single for about six months when I received the first Facebook message. My best friend knew of him through mutual friends and mentioned how attractive and seemingly mature he was. After escaping my previous seven-year train wreck relationship, I was stoked to hear about this guy. I knew he wasn’t looking for a relationship and that was great because at this point neither was I. However, I certainly wasn’t ready to experience the “almost relationship” which at this point was nonexistent to me.

He has this beautiful, dazzling smile that shot a hole right through that wall I had built up. His eyes are this paralyzing, sparkling shade of turquoise and every time I looked at him I found myself in a state of enchantment. His world burned so bright, and I had to get in.

I was sucked right in by his mind-altering, overwhelming charm on the first date. Initially he seemed like the perfect gentleman. He drove over an hour to pick me up, opened and held doors, bought my dinner, and made me feel so incredibly lucky. He made it known that I was a “first” for him with many things. Staying overnight at his house is something that he “doesn’t do”, yet it happened for me on multiple occasions. I was naïve enough to believe that I was different.

He is incredibly passionate and I found that to be insanely attractive. This alone caught me off guard because originally, I didn’t find him to be very appealing. Our second date happened at his family’s annual Christmas Party.

I was completely floored by the invitation and still can’t quite figure out what in the hell his motive was. He started giving me pet names, telling me how beautiful I was, and I was shocked at how much fun we had together. Before I knew it, I had feelings for him.

The text messages were endlessly flattering, pushing me deeper and deeper into this false hope of us being together. Regrettably, I wanted this so badly and couldn’t help but be confused by his never-ending contradictions. His actions were completely normal for someone who is in a relationship, but we weren’t. His behavior conflicted with his words and I made the ridiculous assumption that maybe he’d changed his mind about relationships.

About a year had gone by when I finally decided to tell him how I felt. Which was crazy, right? As it turns out, he didn’t feel the same way and stood firm on his “non-relationship” ground. This is the point where everything changed. I was no longer receiving the butterfly inducing, alluring text messages. Yet, I still had this unrealistic expectation that if I could just spend a little more time with him, he’d change his mind. As you can imagine, that is not the way things played out. He didn’t miss me when we were apart. Hell, he rarely made time for me at all but for the life of me I just couldn’t shake him. To him I was simply an object on his chess board to be manipulated ensuring an outcome most desirable to him. Furthermore, I allowed it to continue.

By this time, I’d spun myself into this tornado that was him. I was in the eye of this storm that I couldn’t seem to escape. I’d completely lost my balance and was fully consumed by him. I then found myself being contradictory, one minute I was done and the next I was trying to figure out what I could say or do to change his mind. I wanted him to realize what he was losing and how perfect we could’ve been. Relentlessly searching for evidence that he cared but there was none. 

I think the feeling that came along with him made taking the risk of being hurt seem worth it. I would be the one to change his world, make it burn even brighter. As fate would have it though, he changed mine. I now admire the struggle in just being human. Continuously aiming to see the good in those who don’t even deserve a second glance. Initially, I wondered how I landed in this position to begin with, but I knew the answer. I was in a completely vulnerable state when I met him and surmised he knew that the moment he saw me.

I’ve since learned that the key to keeping your balance is having the ability to recognize when you’ve lost it. As quickly as I thought I’d lost myself I came to understand that I didn’t. He did. I finally had this revelation that hit me like a bolt of lightning.

He was only able to shine because I allowed it. I am the sun. Looking back on it all I ask myself, what is brighter than the sun? I’ve decided to transform all the hurt and anger into this bright, burning fire that no one can extinguish.

I know now that I will never be the same, and I don’t want to be. I am an unstoppable force of nature and I’ve forgiven myself for losing sight of that. I’ve forgiven him for taking advantage of my naivety and leading me to believe we could’ve been more. I no longer care if I say too much or the wrong thing because I choose me and I choose to be out. So, mister moon, use me to glow and I will never ask for anything in return.

If you aren’t careful though, I will fucking blind you.