A Guide To College Drinking


Drinking at college is like an Olympic sport married with 1920s bootleg culture. There are relays, some illicit drugs, smuggling, you name it. Truth be told, I can barely remember what drinking in college was like – which means I was probably really good at it. Here’s what my memory has managed to preserve.

Get a fake ID (but don’t tell too many people about it)

You’ll want to have an ID for obvious reasons, but don’t strut around campus gloating about it unless you want to be the resident beer bitch for the next few years. People haven’t learned social graces yet, so someone you hardly know will have no problem ringing you up like clockwork every week and asking you to purchase their $6 bottle of pregame Popov.

Get creative

College is one of those places where indeed, you must fight for your right to party. One small battle is getting beer into the dorms. A friend of mine would use duct tape to affix a six-pack to his waist (he did this on our trips to the movies, but it would work in a dorm scenario as well). Another popular trick for sneaking beer into the dorms was The Gym Bag or The Pizza Box. Use whatever resources you have – you typically can’t carry a 30 rack past dorm security, so iMaGiNaTiOn ReQuiReD if you want to get drunk in your room.

Don’t let your guard down

Here’s a secret about getting drunk in a small room: after two hours, six people sounds like 18 people. You will get caught. Remember that episode of Saved by the Bell when Lisa sold her wardrobe out of a bank of lockers? They had a remote control that would shut the operation down whenever Mr. Belding walked by? That needs to be you, when you’re drinking in the dorms. Have an exit strategy and an excuse at all times.

Make friends who live off-campus

These people are your lifeline. Much of the anxiety associated with collegiate drinking is alleviated when you’re not under the watchful eye of campus security, your RA, and your socially inept, law abiding roommate.

Don’t fall asleep with your shoes on

You will get drawn on. No one is safe.

Take advantage of games

Play Edward Fortyhands. Play asshole. Play beer pong. Play kings or circle of death or whatever you guys call it. Play flip cup. Play that game where you brand each other with a burnt wine cork. Participate in that house crawl. Go to that off-campus keg festival and sign up for the three-legged race. Wrestle that midget in an inflatable pool full of KY Jelly. These games exist post-college, but your enthusiasm for them might not.

Don’t get too drunk

If any of the following occurs, you got too drunk: vomiting, peeing on yourself, blacking out, getting drawn on, drooling while conscious, fighting with someone you usually get along with, crying in public, falling and requiring medical attention, getting thrown out of a bar, getting arrested.

If you’re really drunk but haven’t crossed the line, feel free to do the following: eat at the diner, eat pretty much anywhere, hook up with someone you like, make a pound of Mac ‘n’ Cheese for your entire floor, spoon with a hot friend, invite someone to lovingly stroke your head, watch Biodome.

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image – Greg Ma