A Healthy Conversation You Would Like To Have With Your Parents


You: Hey Mom. Hey Dad. How are you? I’ve been trying to get in touch with you guys all week.

Mom: I’m sorry, honey! We’ve been real busy.

You: Um, doing what? You don’t do anything.

Dad: We’ve been fishing for crab and we had company over the weekend. Your mom is making some drapes.

Mom: They’re gorgeous. We found them at Costco.

You: Costco sells drapes?

Dad: They sell everything there. Why shop anywhere else?

You: Right. Okay, well I wanted to talk to you guys about something.

Mom: What is it? Do you need money? Has that rash returned?!

You: Oh my god, no. Stop!

Dad: So what’s up?

You: I just, like, wanted to apologize for being such a little jerk to you in high school and even in college. I had this weird epiphany the other day when I realized you guys were human and it blew my mind.

Mom: What are you talking about?! You weren’t that bad.

You: Mom, I called you a bitch like every single day and stole your wine. Dad, I shut my bedroom door in your face every time you tried to talk to me and claimed that I must’ve been adopted. I was seriously Sabrina, The Teenage Witch.

Dad: You were a teenager though. It was your job to hate us. And we know you didn’t mean it. We knew you would eventually come around and realize how awesome we were!

You: Totally. I think just being away from you guys when I was at college saved our relationship. It’s cliche to say but by putting some distance between us, I was able to realize, “Wait, I’m obsessed with my parents. Mom, Dad? Call me back!”

Mom: I noticed that you had begun to call more often and felt very confused. Excited but confused.

You: And l think about how expensive I was and how expensive it is to have kids in general. I really appreciate you guys working your ass off to support me.

Dad: Am I hallucinating these words coming out of your mouth? Am I having a stroke?

You: Don’t joke about that, Dad, because you actually could have a stroke. You’re old.

Mom: Oh, he’s fine! He’s just happy to hear these things. Because we did work hard for you but we didn’t expect for you to take notice or vocalize your appreciation to us.

You: I feel like such a grown up for even thinking these things. My 17-year-old self is probably flipping out and thinking I’m terribly uncool.

Dad: Great. Well we have to go. There’s a lot of work to be done around the house. Love you!

Mom: Bye honey.

You: Wait, what?! You have to go? I just bared my soul.

Dad: Call us soon!

You: Come back!


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