A Letter To My Future Self

By

 

Dear self,

 

I know I am struggling at the moment

I am facing a whole lot of doubts and low self-esteem

I am facing anxieties about the dreams that I am going to pursue, for me, for the both of us

I do not think that I can make things better for the both of us

I am really scared that I will fail you

I am afraid that I would be a disappointment

I am afraid that no matter how many times I try

I would never be good enough for anyone

Hell, I don’t even think I would be good enough for myself

 

I guess I have always been like this for a long time

I have always seen my past as an embarrassment

I never saw myself as someone who has the chance to be successful

I don’t see myself as someone who has the chance to be happy

To be worthy of all the good things that I have right now

To feel blessed and grateful for all the people I have known

Because in truth, I feel pain

I have always felt pain

I have always felt that I attracted people who are bad for me

Who manipulated me, who have never appreciated me for who I am

I always have strains in my relationships

I rarely know how it feels like to be happy with someone

To genuinely have a connection that would last forever

 

I know I have a good heart

Always have the best intention to help people

To care about them

To pick them up when they are down

But having a good heart does not mean a lot I suppose

I have been broken so many times that I have lost count

I guess having a good heart does not count

When you are in a world full of people who care only about themselves

 

I know that being sensitive often brings nothing more but pain

Pain of rejection, pain of being mocked at

Pain of being laughed at for being a “crybaby”

I asked myself, “Is it really that wrong to feel deeply?”

 

For all these years, I consider it as wrong

I consider all the pain and sufferings as a result of being to sensitive

But after a little bit reflection, I realise that being sensitive actually help me to get through life

It helps me to appreciate the details that people often miss

It gives me a deeper appreciation of art and music

It gave me a sense of gratitude

It gave me a tool to understand other people as well, in a deep way

To understand how we are there to help each other as well

 

Despite having that understanding and awareness

I still fall a lot of times

I still feel insecure, feeling worthless

Feeling that everyone would still mock me

Feeling that no matter how far I have gone in life

People would still always look down on me

 

But then I realise

Why would I consider the opinions of those who mock me in the first place?

What significance do they have towards my life?

What value do they bring?

Why would I want these people to be in my life?

 

They have no significance whatsoever

They do not bring me joy

They bring me only pain

Why would I want them to be in my life?

 

The answer is because I am afraid

Because I am afraid that no one would love me

Would accept me the way I am

I am afraid that they would leave me

Without realising that I would better be left alone

Instead of having the wrong people in my life

 

The price of having a low self-esteem is expensive

It attracts the wrong people in your life

It attracts those vultures who love to suck the life out of you

Why?

Because they are miserable themselves

They love to see you fail

They love to see you suffer because they themselves are in the bottom

And when you decide that you do not want to belong to that pack

What happens?

Predictably, they try to drag you down too

So you do not feel happy

So you become miserable just like them, always

But why should we stay miserable when we can be happy?

When we can rise out of darkness and make our life better?

When we can stop feeling sorry for ourselves and start living life, despite it being difficult?

 

So, my future self

As you can see

I am a work in progress

I am still struggling at the moment

There are times when I am happy

There are times when I am sad

There are times when I thought I would never get back up again

But here I am

I am still in the mud, I am still feeling sad and stressed about what I am experiencing at the moment

I feel as if my life sucks

But I know that I am blessed beyond measure

 

No, this is not me in denial

I know my difficulties, I know how hard my life is at the moment

But I realise that facing my life with all negativity is not going to lead me anywhere

I realise that I have enough of them and I need more positivity

Positivity is not about denying the negativity

It is more about accepting the fact that we can be sad, angry, stressed, anxious

But choosing to accept them and to face them

I also choose to be grateful, to know that I am still allowed to breathe

To experience a brand new day

To acknowledge that everyday is to be celebrated

To be lived fully

To care about the people and to love them full heartedly

But also to realise that I need to love myself too

To give myself space towards the people who hurt me repeatedly

To know that I have the right to cut off that relationship, to exit it anytime possible

To know that I cannot save everyone, only some

 

Dear future self,

I hope you always believe in me

To keep your trust in me

To know that I am going to make you proud and happy

I think you did tell me at some point that this too shall pass

I hope so buddy, I hope so too

I hope that I can give you happiness and love

But you say to me that I should not worry about that

You told me that I should live in the present

And to enjoy every moment of it, because eventually that will lead me to be happy in the future anyways

Then I will enjoy day by day, as per your advice

You also told me, last but not least

To not overthink stuffs, to not let my worries drain my happiness

For you say, if you can always choose, always choose to be happy

After all, don’t we both just want to be happy in the end?