A List Of Times I’ve Wanted To Kill Myself, From Birth Until The Present
Age 0:
While being born, I wrapped my neck with the umbilical cord because I didn’t want to leave my mom’s insides.
Age 3:
When I kicked my imaginary friend Pepe out of the house for saying I was not cool enough to be Michelangelo from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Age 7:
When I tripped in front of Sally at the skating rink and I knocked out my two front teeth and sprayed blood all over Sally’s face.
Age 9:
When my third-grade teacher Mrs. Adler said I could have cake—then wouldn’t let me have cake, claiming I was too fat—all in front of Sally.
Age 10:
When I told Sally I like liked her and she said I should’ve listened to Mrs. Adler and stopped eating cake.
Age 11:
When I was in line for my mom at the grocery store and I was next and she was nowhere in sight.
Age 12:
When I made some friends who were really just bullies, and I thought this is what friendship is.
Age 13:
On 9/11, not because I lost someone, but because I was the only kid that didn’t get picked up early from school.
Age 14:
When I saw my dad’s penis was bigger than mine.
Age 16:
When I threw a birthday party and I couldn’t break the piñata, though I said I could because I was “16 now, dammit.”
Age 18:
When my group of friends for the last four years stopped hanging out with me.
Age 18:
When someone on my freshman hall purposely shied their head and turned away when they saw me approaching.
Age 19:
When I got really drunk and smoked weed and got the spins for the first time and couldn’t pay attention to Twin Peaks because it was “too much.”
Age 20:
When I was in a party of 19 at a restaurant and we had to split the bill.
Age 21:
When I did Ecstasy and had a three-day comedown and my dick was soft the whole time so I couldn’t even jack off.
Age 22:
When someone on Facebook asked if anyone wanted to hang, and I said I did, and they said “no” and it got 100 likes.
Age 22:
When I had sex for the first time and thought I would rather be masturbating.
Age 24:
When I thought I would still put my bachelor’s in psychology to good use.
Age 24:
When I was at a family reunion and thought, “Man, my cousin’s boobs look pretty nice.”
Age 25:
When I saw Bob Odenkirk and David Cross on their pseudo-Mr. Show tour and thought nothing will ever be better than this, so why bother?
Age 25:
When my credit card got declined on a date, and I didn’t have any cash, so instead I washed dishes while the waiter and my date had really loud sex in the supply closet.
Age 26:
When I realized my acquaintances were my friends.
Age 26:
When I finished writing this list.