A Look Inside The Mind Of A Girl Who Is Admittedly Single AF

It may be hard to believe, but there is a constant inner struggle when it comes to being a single woman. Most people think it is black and white. A single girl is just desperate to get hitched, pop out some kids, and call it a life. While some may seem that way, most are constantly at odds with what could be better. A life with a drooling dog that you are constantly cleaning up after, or a life with a man who you are constantly cleaning up after.

Let’s face it, there are pros and cons to both walks of life, but when it comes down to it, in this day and age, it is not easy to be single by choice. Gentlemen, you have always wanted to know what a woman was thinking: Now is your opportunity! I hope you pulled out your notebook, because here is how a single girl thinks:

“I love being single.”

I love the freedom of knowing I am on my own and can do anything I want. I can provide for myself and do not need to rely on a man. I love that I don’t have to answer to anyone about why I just spent $500 on a pet whisperer for my dog or explain why I was out until 5 in the morning at Denny’s eating a grand slam with some random people I met at a comic book store.

I love that I do not have to lock my phone because I do not have a psycho man checking it and over analyzing why a guy snapchatted me a picture of his Jimmy John’s lunch. I love that I don’t have to fake anything. And by that I mean my face when I see the terrible piece of jewelry he just bought me for my birthday.

I love the simple fact that I do not have a boyfriend to worry about! I don’t have to constantly think that he is dead because he hasn’t answered my texts for a week or that he is going to bring home a disease from the strip club that he spends all of his time and money at. I love that I am not crying over someone lying to me about losing his phone yet it is in his hand, cheating on me, or blowing me off because he was too hung over and didn’t want to see the Minion movie. I love that I can literally spend my weekends in bed with nutella and my dog watching reruns of Gilligan’s Island if I wanted to, because I am free!

“I am tired of being single.”

I am tired of waiting around for “prince charming” who may or may not have gotten wasted and deported to a foreign country. I am tired of putting myself out there and finding myself in yet another situation of a dipshit that either wants me to be his mother, cleaning up after him and feeding him like a helpless child, or Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman without the pay out or fancy clothes. I want butterflies.

I want someone to want me as much as I want them. I want someone to ask me how my day was and genuinely want to listen to my frustration over the talentless Kardasians taking over the world. I want someone to contact me first and not act like it is an inconvenience on his life or that I should be so grateful that he was able to lift that heavy phone and text me that huge message, “What’s good?” I want someone to actually want to see me and take me on a date. And by date, I MEAN A DATE. Not Netflix and chill (Unless it is The Office and hot chocolate with marshmallows is involved), not for a drink in a loud dive bar where I could to get roofied or robbed, not to a grocery store to help you pick out fabric softener, but a REAL date.

You know that thing where you go out to eat, drink, be merry and have an actual conversation? That weird encounter where you have to sit down with a stranger and attempt to get to know each other, awkwardly listening to each other’s obsession with Star Wars, The Beatles or the Teletubbies and try to figure out if this person could be the one that you could see yourself saying “That’s what she said” jokes with forever. Yeah, I want to do that.

“I am probably going to grow old as a dog woman.”.

Because we live in a day and age where this kind of stuff doesn’t happen anymore. The more that the world evolves, the more men evolve into this figure where they think that chivalry does not need to exist anymore. Unless I would like to switch teams or be a home wrecker (neither of which will ever happen), I am going to be single forever because there are no men out there like this right now.

The male species has evolved into this breed that thinks a girl should be the one making all the effort to forming a relationship and that “Netflix and chill” is “romantic”. There are men out there that just want everything handed to them without having to put an effort to it. Newsflash: The following are considered “Boyfriend Privileges”: Sleepovers, breakfast in bed, helping clean up around the house, presents, returning your calls/texts after you have been a douche and nudies (never from me – Sorry fellas). Understand this gentlemen – They are privileges AFTER you make an effort. Most women do not give you the “Boyfriend Privileges” without you making the effort to be a boyfriend.

Women always want something more than weekend fun that you are willing to give. She may say to you that they are fine with it when it is happening, but that is never the case. In the back of her mind, she have already imagined how this story is going to change in her favor and that you are going to take her in your arms between commercial breaks, picking up your phone to change their relationship status on Facebook and promising to never “Netflix and chill” with anyone else because we have come to expect the very least from men. Dear Lord, is this really how low a woman’s expectation has fallen to?

“If George Clooney can be converted after how many years, there is hope for us all.”

All men can not be like this – I am just a magnet for the attention seeking, dumb witted, drunken Netflixing idiots who do not know how to spell. But I can do this.. I can put myself back out there. Hell this could be fun! It would be nice to get out of the house once in a while, take a break from my normal Friday nights of drinking hot tea and re-reading Pride and Prejudice. He doesn’t have to be Mr. Right, but I can really get out there and meet Mr. Right Now. It has been how long since I have been out with a new guy, how bad can it be?

“I’m not over him.”

You remember that last idiot who broke your heart. That is the moment you put back on my yoga pants, locate the wine and Love Actually, and spend another comfy night at home with your furry best friend and remember that it is good to be single.

With this all being said, Gentlemen, chivalry is not dead. You will get so much further with a woman when you put a little work into it and make an effort. And to my lady friends, remember to stay positive! There are good guys out there, I swear! Maybe that is the optimism or wine talking, but you have to have a little faith. Good things come to those who wait! If you don’t want to wait, there is a TLC show that allows your parents to pick out your husband/wife for you.

Mazel tov!