A Partial List of Things I Will Do If I Become A Trillionaire
By Will Sloan
Purchase dump truck. Fill with hundred-dollar bills. Empty contents on front lawn.
Buy Porsche with ejector seats. Drive off Grand Canyon with parachute. Repeat.
Hire English butler. Preferably Michael Caine.
Hire Rolling Stones as alarm clock. Have them play “Start Me Up” every morning.
Buy wing at the Louvre. Fill with self-portraits.
Produce and distribute compilation album, Will Sloan Hums the Hits of Sinatra. Fund $300 million print, television, and billboard advertising campaign.
Buy two hours of TV airtime after the Superbowl. Reunite cast and crew of the 1999 Ron Howard/Matthew McConaughey comedy EDtv for program called EDtv Memories. Force Ron Howard to begin with, “When we first starting shooting EDtv, we had no idea of the massive cultural phenomenon it would become.”
Buy a small nation. Rename it “Will’s Swingin’ Bachelor Pad.”
Hire Emeril Lagasse as personal chef. Make him say “Bam! Kick it up a notch!” after every meal. Laugh hysterically.
Find out how much it will take Jerry Lewis to release The Day the Clown Cried. Pay it.
Hire architectural team to build a taco so big even God couldn’t eat it. Hold theological conference to determine its validity.
Build exciting new theme park, Disneyland: Will’s Backyard.
Produce and distribute sequel to 1993 Bob Hoskins/John Leguizamo film Super Mario Bros. Pick up directly after cliffhanger ending of original. Provide no explanation for why Hoskins and Leguizamo have aged 18 years. Release in 5,000 theaters on July 4.
Go on Wheel of Fortune. Light cigar with wad of hundred-dollar bills.
Donate $100 million to Harvard for construction of 500,000-square-foot “Harvard Center for EDtv Studies.” Hire Ron Howard, Matthew McConaughey, Woody Harrelson, Jenna Elfman, and Elizabeth Hurley as full-time staff. Construct statue on front steps of Matthew McConaughey and myself galloping on a horse.
Help United States pay off debt. (Maybe)
Buy a star.
Put long-held all-it-takes-to-be-Batman-is-a-lot-of-money theory to the test.