A Partial List of Things I Would Like to See Occur on The X-Factor


Episode in which Pepsi logo is branded via hot iron on Simon Cowell’s left and right pectorals. Branding should continue on one or both butt cheeks, depending if/ how much Cowell cries.

Judge L.A. Reid’s name formally changed to “Black Judge,” “Affable, Middle-of-the-Road Black Judge,” or “Randy Jackson Part II.”

“Bizarro World”-style crossover episode between The X-Factor and American Idol, in which judges switch places: Randy Jackson/ L.A. Reid; Jennifer Lopez/ Nicole Scherzinger; Paula Abdul/ Paula Abdul; Simon Cowell/ Simon Cowell.

Random selection of five audience members during each episode to appear onstage and sing. FCC regulations on profanity should be lifted for maximum verbal abuse.

More and fouler derogatory phrases for audience to chant after unsuccessful auditions.

Swimsuit competition.

Episode in which contestants must compose/ perform songs set to music of Antonín Dvo?ák. Preparation time: 24 hours.

Episode devoted entirely to pirate sea shanties.

Appearances by any/ all of the following guest judges: Bjork; John Cage; Marilyn Manson; GWAR; “Weird Al” Yankovic; G.G. Allin; Insane Clown Posse; corpse of Elvis Presley.

“The Rock Star Lifestyle”-themed episode, determining which contestants can survive the most drugs in 24-hour time period.

Episode-long game of “Never Have I Ever” between judges and final four contestants.

Subversive rock-themed episode, in which contestants are trained to perform satanic rituals. Performances should climax with animal sacrifices.

In Newark audition episode, an unbroken, fifteen-minute, single-take sequence in which Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul have explicit sex in a motel room. Sequence should consist of extended, graphic close-ups with occasional pans to faces. No musical accompaniment or narration, aside from Cowell and Abdul’s verbal abuse.

Passage of bill in U.S. senate awarding Simon Cowell the right to murder one person each year with bare hands and/ or medium-sized rock. Murder should be inflicted on second-place runner-up on final episode of season. Allow ten minutes for thunderous applause from audience.

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image – The X Factor