A Series Of Things I’ve Learned About Love

Obsess less on the aspects of yourself that you believe count against you in the game of love. Almost without exception it will be those very “flaws” that ultimately endear you to your lover.

Educate yourself on the distinction between love and dependency. It will save you a lot of grief.

A good relationship is supportive and nurturing. If the person you’re with makes you question your worth—ever—then you should not be with that person.

Love can be shown but never said. But love cannot be said and never shown. Love is not a word. Love is an action. You may never tell your best friend you love them, but they know you do. ALL emotions are actions. That is how they transcend language and culture and species.

Love indeed can be forever. It just may not be forever together. People evolve, and with them, their relationships. If it’s time, let it go. Don’t cling to the idea of what it was and allow desperation turn good memories into bad.

Love is freedom. If someone tries to control you “out of love”, they do not love you, they simply want to possess you. If you love someone, you don’t want to keep them in a cage. You want to see them blossom and run free. This is why every parent in nature pushes their children from the nest. It is in fact why religion says God gave His children free will. Love, by its very nature, is freedom.

Unrequited love is one of the most under appreciated loves out there. Only the bravest dare to love even in the face of certain rejection.

However, by far the most important observation about love I’ve made in my relationship and dating coaching practice is this: Love is not the foundation of a good relationship. Respect is. This goes for any relationship; romantic, business, and friendly.

Love is amazing and transcendent. But love is like drifting sand, constantly changing, forever evolving. An angry wind comes along and it can all blow away. I’ve seen people deeply and madly in love do the cruelest most inconsiderate things to each other out of anger. Respect is the bedrock under the sand. When you respect someone it’s harder to hurt them no matter how angry you get.

We can fall in love with anything at anytime. Humans regularly fall in love with inanimate objects and vague concepts. We very easily fall in love with someone’s looks or status. But respect takes time. It has to be earned through actions. And once it has, it’s much harder to unseat. 

Respect is what reminds you of how much you love them everyday. It is what you will love about them when their looks fade and their status is lost. If you do not respect someone, you can never truly love them.