A Short List Of Ways I’ve Completely Failed Lately

1. I’m supposed to be completely together. Always make my bed and never leave clothes in the washer too long and never yell when I get stressed out and never really get stressed out. I’m supposed to eat enough veggies and go to the gym and Swiffer the floors and not Google things like, “Can you actually spontaneously combust from being stressed out?” But now I just have a bed frame and have been sleeping on the couch, and nothing is put away and every time someone asks me to do something I just sigh and ask for a deadline instead of saying, “I don’t have time.”

2. I’m supposed to get my hair cut every 3 months. At least…I think that’s what they recommend. But I’ve kind of always hated haircuts. I feel like I look so different even there’s just an inch of me missing. So I’ve put it off way too long and I know my stylist is going to say something and my split ends will hit the floor but I won’t be more together after it.

3. I lead with my heart instead of my head for like, 20 minutes at 9 PM one Saturday and it was stupid and impulsive and was ultimately a dead end. And he didn’t have anything to say and I can’t even fault him for that.

4. I didn’t (and don’t) have the balls to say, “Let’s stop pretending like we’re friends because truly we’re not fooling anyone.”

5. I was in a terrible mood today and I definitely didn’t hide it. And that’s just unacceptable to me. I don’t like when people know I’m not great, when they can visibly see all of my flaws. I hate when I show that I’m human.

6. I can’t stop ordering things from Amazon Now instead of going to stores. I don’t remember the last time I was in an actual grocery store. I feel like I’m getting lazier and lazier and finding more and more excuses to not leave the house. And that’s scary.

7. I know he doesn’t care about me, but hearing him say that he wished he could help me put my bed together was sweet. And everything about that sentence is a pathetic, pathetic failure.

8. I’m supposed to not care. Not caring about things sounds so freeing. And I don’t care about a lot

9. I lose things all the time. And I don’t mean this in a metaphorical, “how did I lose this person or myself and oh my god look at how the clouds move” kind of way. I mean I literally lose shit. I know I bought new moisturizer because I’m getting close to running out and I can’t fucking find it. I’ve essentially lost $45. And that’s just so…so frustrating and embarrassing. It makes me feel like a damn mess which is the last thing I ever wanted to be.

10. I ruined my hands putting together furniture until 1 in the morning and the pieces I needed to finish the apartment didn’t get delivered on time so my apartment is still in shambles and I’m sleeping on the couch and it’s just so stupid and infuriating. I hate being out of control and I hate when things don’t go according to plan. And I especially hate when the solution is, essentially, “hurry up and wait.”

11. I’m trying really hard to not make a very Important Specific Thing about me and make drama in it about me, but I can’t help but feel like my feelings (which make no mistake, I have not expressed) are not important. I feel like this is another Important Specific Thing where I’m just expected to be “chill” and “go with the flow” and “unshakeable.” But in reality, I’m internally screaming about a lot and I don’t really know what to do about it. So in classic, me-fashion, I just do nothing.

12. I still can’t sleep. I’m starting to believe that there are strictly two types of people in this world: people who get rest and people who don’t. And without the aid of several medications I will never be one of those people who can sleep. I’ve improved so many things about myself—my skin, my water intake, walking vs. taking a car, turning off my phone on Saturdays—but sleeping is still one area where I consistently fall short.

13. I don’t know how to take compliments. I feel like every, “Thank you” I mutter out while trying to change the subject is actually entirely laced with, “Please get ready for me to disappoint you.” I don’t know how to stop worrying that I’m always going to let someone, myself or anyone else, down.

14. I wrote this. And I don’t even like it.