A Simple Train Ride

I swiveled nervously in my seat as I waited for the California coast to pass

I watched the other people on the train and made up stories about their lives
particularly the Amish
most of the passengers appeared to be Amish

I thought about getting off in the same city as my sister
and about the massive leg cramp that would inevitably develop before that could happen

I picked up each of my books several times then put them down
too distracted to read the words
too distressed to look at the static pages

I glanced at all of the work that I brought to keep myself occupied
with even less interest than I had for the books

I didn’t download any shows or movies because I pack for the person I wish I could be

I basked in the warmth of the sunlight as it shone through the enormous windows and took excellently lit selfies

I played Candy Crush until I ran out of lives

I paced up and down the aisle until the weight of my backpack became too much to bear
but I was too nervous to set it down

I wished I could sleep

I sat still until my feet began tapping and one of my legs went numb

I tried to meditate

I opened every story on my Instagram feed and posted too many of my own

I walked to and from the on-board cafe 11 times

I worried about the job I would be starting when I returned to New York

I daydreamed about moving
pondering the decision I had just made but was too afraid to admit out loud

I listened to the same song on repeat 7 or 8 times before I realized what I was doing

I hoped this train ride would give me clarity

I analyzed everything that popped into my head for as long as I could
entertained each possibility the train provided
observed all that I could drag into my limited view
anything to avoid sitting quietly and looking out at the overwhelming beauty of the Pacific Ocean
ruminating about you

I just couldn’t do that.