A Universe-Wide Mandate: On The Quality Of Lyrics Websites


As your Universal Commander, I try to let you all know of the deep, undying love I have for each and every one of you and your artistic individuality. After all, I am the only Universal Commander this millennium to not sign the proposed amendment to the Universal Constitution banning Jason Mraz to create things. You’re welcome.

But alas, I must put my fin down. Things have been troubling me in your culture. Specifically, your lyric websites. They are too slick, professional, and there aren’t nearly enough misspellings. What happened to the good old days, when citizens of the universe could just kick back and relax without worrying about their level of HTML expertise? Why can’t a working-class guy just look up lyrics to “Love Shack” and also get to see some fun blinking pop-up ads as a surprise?  So today, I issue a universe-wide mandate: On the Quality of Lyric Websites.

I, Universal Commander, hereby command that all song lyric websites make noise when you arrive. Whether it be a smiley face emoticon banner ad that screams a delightful greeting or a Toyota commercial that renders the rest of your screen opaque and unusable until it is over, every lyric homepage and sub-page should remind the viewer that they left their sound turned up too high from earlier when they were watching that grainy YouTube video about boners from a college sketch group.

I hereby forbid any song lyric website from depriving the humble viewer of offers for cellphone ringtones. This is especially true if it is an offer for the ringtone of the specific song the humble viewer is looking up the lyrics to. This marketing makes sense to me. If a viewer is looking up lyrics to R. Kelly’s “Ignition” they clearly are proud of this and want it to be known. Let the wise men who come after us keep this segmentation tactic strong!

I hereby command that no page in a song lyric website’s domain is to go without the words “hot” or “dance mix.” Just put it in there somewhere. Anywhere.

I hereby forbid any song lyric website from looking too sleek. This is not a PR firm! This is a convivial, laughs-and-gags only environment. The following are forbidden under this mandate:

  • Any font that looks BORING like Arial, Calibri, or Times New Roman. Courier New will be punished with immediate death in my titanium-spiked anti-gravity chamber.
  • The colors white or black. Unless they are part of a fun zebra design behind an Aaron Carter photo. Then you have my blessing.
  • Lack of many, many, many links to other places. And potentially pornographic ones at that.

And lastly, I hereby forbid anybody over the age of fourteen years who is not male and also a pyromaniac from taking any part in the creation and maintenance of these lyric websites.


Your Universal Commander 

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