Adele, You Should Know Better


Dear Adele,

Bitch, it’s hotter outside than a hit single by you. And I don’t call people “bitch,” ever. I can hardly call people “girl” without feeling kind of woozy. Adele, you don’t know this about me, but I am kind of a dork. That’s not important. What is important is the fact that you absolutely ignored the happiness and well-being of millions in North America. We are reaping what you sowed and that reaping involves sweating in unmentionable places throughout one of the hottest summers on record.

Adele, this is what happens when you set fire to the rain.

It’s time for you to realize that your actions have consequences. Don’t tell me that you never knew, never knew. People have been fighting over global warming for years, and you didn’t think to mention this to anyone? Scientists are working overtime trying to unlock the mystery of climate change and Al Gore is dropping PowerPoint documentaries like Ken Burns on acid. Yet, you waited until 2011 to let everyone know that you ignited our main source of water? Think of what Al Gore could have invented by now if he didn’t have to run around town presenting about the earth! Can you imagine what that man’s schedule is like? Talk about an inconvenient truth.

And where were the meteorologists on this one? Are they still trying to convince us that it is going to be one temperature, yet it will feel like a completely different temperature to f-ck with our minds? “It’s going to be 65˚F, but feel like 48˚F.” So, should I just imagine I’m wearing a coat? Maybe they are just too busy using an inscrutable rubric of words to tell us what it will be like outside each day? This is the weekly forecast for my area:

Monday: Balmy and moist, with a sun in sunglasses appearing later in the day

Tuesday: Chance of summer

Wednesday: Itchy

Thursday: Daft

Friday: Less snippy

Saturday: Morose

Sunday: Partly Air

Adele, as you can see here, it is not all your fault. These bozos have been talking about heat wave after heat wave and not once did the connection to you occur to them. You’d think with names like Storm Fields, Dallas Raines and Larry Sprinkle they’d know what they’re talking about. After this fiasco, I don’t think you’re a Champion in my book, Sam. Let me pause from this letter to stand in front of a green screen for a second, so I can communicate with everyone about the weather situation. This will just take a moment.

LJM’s forecast: It is going to be very warm outside with no relief in sight. This has everything to do with the fact that droplets of fire are splashing down from the clouds. Why is that occurring, you ask? Let’s turn to this green screen behind me, you see here, where Adele is setting fire to the f-cking rain?  Yeah, that’s why. The goddamn rain is on fire.

So to wrap this up, Adele, I think you’re being really reckless and breaking several state and federal laws. I don’t care if there’s a fire burning in your heart and it’s tearing you apart — you can’t just torch the atmosphere. Really, someone like you should know better. I’m just sorry things had to turn out like this, Adele; we could’ve had it all. 

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