Airbnb Reviews Of Your Ex-Boyfriends’ Apartments


Colin, studio apartment

Cleanliness: He had a cockroach infestation that he didn’t properly deal with for five months and he owned dish soap for a week before he started using it for everything, never to be replaced.
Communication: Never left your texts unanswered for more than an hour. Might’ve had insomnia, unclear if he ever slept.
House Rules: Would literally get furious with you for trying to clean up a little—like would pout on the couch for an hour after you did the dishes.
Would you stay here again?: Maybe for one night. You kinda got used to the cockroaches.

Jacob, reeeeeeally nice loft with a rent worth more than your life

Cleanliness: Immaculate. Sometimes it felt like you were in a museum, it was that clean. His shower was nicer than yours.
Communication: You were not allowed to talk to him when he was hungry.
House Rules: He made you take off your shoes when you came in. You could only take an avocado if you planned on replacing it.
Would you stay here again?: If you were just visiting the city for a couple of days, absolutely. It felt like a hotel. For the rest of your life? Absolutely not, he used to throw away your razors because they grossed him out.

Ben, 8th floor walk-up

Cleanliness: Average. He had a dishwasher which was his only saving grace. He cleaned up before people came over, but once he got close to you, you realized the squalor he was comfortable living in.
Communication: Talked all the time while you were watching tv. Would start movies neither of you had ever seen before 30 minutes in and would sporadically ask you to explain what was going on even though you explicitly told him not to start this movie 30 minutes in because neither of you would know what was happening.
House Rules: He had to fall asleep to something on Netflix.
Would you stay here again?: No, that blue light from his laptop screen completely messed up your REM cycles.

Jimmy, claimed it was a loft because of the ceilings, but it was definitely a studio

Cleanliness: Disaster. High chance he didn’t own a garbage can. Or a towel. Or bed sheets.
Communication: He had the weirdest sleeping hours. He was genuinely the type of person who texted you back three days later with “Sorry, I was asleep” and it would be true.
House Rules: If you were dressed better than him (read: wearing a shirt and anything but flannel pajama pants), he’d make fun of you.
Would you stay here again?: You avoid his block altogether.

Will, single-room apartment with a fake wall to make a second bedroom for his roommate

Cleanliness: Depends on whether his Mom was coming by.
Communication: Was insanely concerned about his neighbors. If you laughed too loudly he would shush you.
House Rules: His roommate controlled the living room and would only watch NCIS re-runs.
Would you stay here again?: Maybe, if you were desperate.