All The Times I Didn’t Catch A Clue


Someone told me that I was perfect. That I had perfect hair, a perfect smile, a perfect face, a perfect personality. I said in response “Thanks, pal”. It’s not that I wasn’t interested, I just immediately assumed that this is what a good friend says to another good friend that he is not interested in.

Someone told me that I took their breath away by just walking by. I thought they were just sick.

I frequently hung out with a guy who kept calling me babe, and cutie, and beautiful. I called him by his name.

I spent an entire holiday with this guy and not with my family or other friends, we went to the beach and got pizza. He payed for everything. I thought that’s just a thing friends did.

In the second grade I told my best friend who in class I had a crush on after she promised me she wouldn’t tell anyone. Immediately after I told her, the bitch ran to my crush and told him. He blushed and became speechless, then he said “ewww Valaniece likes me”. Of course, I didn’t realize until many years later that in kid language this meant, “I like you too”.

In high school, a guy asked me to Prom after I told him I didn’t have a date. I said no. I still don’t know why I said no.

I confessed to my guy friend that I had never had my first kiss. He said he would be my first kiss. I said no because movies led me to believe that it didn’t work like that.

I met a guy at a bar. We had a lot in common. He even said, “Wow we have so much in common we should get together sometime” I just smiled at him, I wasn’t sure if he was actually interested.

I went over to this guys house. I really liked him at the time. We ended up watching one of my favorite movies together. His arm was around me. I didn’t understand what that meant.

A really attractive work friend asked me what was wrong, I told him about another guy rejecting me.

I attended my first high school party. There was a guy there who kept picking me up and playfully throwing me around. I thought I was ugly so I dismissed it.

I gave this one guy my phone number. He texted me saying “Hey there <3” I responded with “sup”.

I held hands with this one guy. Again, I thought that’s just what friends did.

Some guy surprise kissed me at a bar. It was nice. I thought he overestimated my attractiveness. I knew once I walked into sunlight he would see my errors, so I did him a favor and ignored him the rest of the night.

One guy at college introduced me to his best friends as “My, Girlfriend,” I started blushing and thought that he meant “girl” “friend.” As in girl that is my friend.

Ugh. Why am I still single? I’m such a catch.