All Women Are Superheroes

I don’t know a lot about superheroes. I’m a lazy reader, so I watch the movies. What I do know is that Wonder Woman, Catwoman, and She-Hulk are, in fact, women. Amazing women saving the universe and our humanity. Being a woman is hard work, with or without super powers or awesome kick-assery skills. Do they deal with the same shit all women do? Before Cat Woman pours herself into her skin-tight outfit, does she stand in front of her full-length mirror, poke at her fat rolls, and wedge herself into Spanx? I’ve never once seen a female superhero with panty lines. Going commando would definitely lead to chafing and that not-so-fresh feeling. I hope they have a good underwire or sports bra. Do they have to deal with boob sweat? When they are done fighting crime for the day, do they take off their bra after walking through the front door and put on yoga pants?

Do they take time out of their busy schedule to have a yearly mammogram and pap smear? I can only imagine Wonder Woman with her feet in stirrups, staring at the cat poster on the ceiling and avoiding small talk with her doctor during the exam. I’m sure she must hear the doctor say, “Just relax. Scoot down further. Further. A little further.” And as she scoots down, the exam table paper sticks to her ass because she’s a little nervous.

Is Gamora told to undress from the top up and have her gown open in the front to get ready for her boob smoosh? Does she have to deal with the awkward, “I’m just going to position your breast,” as the tech woman-handles her boob just so? Did she make sure to pluck her rogue nipple hair beforehand?

I can’t imagine that these amazing women don’t have to deal with Aunt Flo each month. During that time of the month, do they take their purses to battle and slip away to take care of business? I’m sure they worry about blow-outs and bring a sweater to tie around their waists, just in case. Do they get pre-menstrual break-outs and chocolate cravings? Goodness forbid Superman ask Wonder Woman if she started her period because she’s just a little bitchy.

I can see Batgirl in line at Planned Parenthood picking up her birth control pills. While she’s there, she gets tested for an STD, has a breast exam and pap smear. Planned Parenthood is a life saver for a lot of women!

After Wonder Woman leaves the house, does she realize she forgot to shave her legs and is convinced everyone will notice? She definitely made sure to shave her legs before her pap smear. I know Wonder Woman has been around a long time. She must have to deal with plucking chin hairs every single day.

I wonder if Supergirl and Batgirl get pissed off for being called girls? I’m pissed off for them. Just ask my husband. He has to hear my rant every week when we watch Supergirl. They are WOMEN!

All women are superheroes in my book. We are just as amazing as Spider-Man, as strong as steel (emotionally, for sure) like Superman, and just as incredible as the Hulk.