Am I Cool


if i were to tell you a story about a Man, the discerning reader would put a stop to this right away and say No Thanks, This Seems Like Its Been Done Before. and they would be right, this is true and it has. if i were to tell you a story about several men and women, perhaps this would make for a more Engaging experience. perhaps not. it really is nearly impossible to tell because there is no way of knowing precisely what is going on in your head

perhaps if i told you a story about myself

chapter 1

a small asian girl swam faster than me at the pool today
she was doing dolphin kicks and everything
i got out of the pool to go to the bathroom and her brother took my lane and i wasnt even mad
i think this is a good sign
i think i am a Good person

chapter 2

i am the proud owner slash inventor of the Dankest Spice Rack
possibly of all time
hydroponic rosemary, sage, cumin, thyme etc
theyre actually too potent
eating has become a dreadful chore

chapter 3


hi yes hello there. i am the guy whom make your life complete. w/ lovin yes, but also tender sentiments that have deep, profound meaning custom tailored to your fine butt. before you came along, i was lost. now you are here and i still feel bad about myself, but i feel pretty good about you most of the time. i like the way you look. i like the way you make me feel. i enjoy being in a relationship, haha.

chapter 4


hello yes hi. i am the guy whom sucks. i am the one who ruined your life. i am the boy who made you feel Emotional (bad).

i am the man who wasnt ready to be a dad. these days i identify primarily as an ex-boyfriend. that part doesnt bother me as much as the fact that i forgot my promise to myself, that i made: to Live Every Moment Like It Was My Last (Because it might be)

i spent 17 minutes reading youtube comments on a video of a guy w/ Bad Opinions(ugh) and shaking my head in disgust (wow) i started an alias gmail account and sent messages to all my old friends telling them what i Really think is wrong w/ them. what is wrong w/ me. jeez, i am overwhelmed w/ Feelings. this is the bad part of my life

chapter 5

many dads have been living well out of spite for longer than they can remember
i say soak up the rays when u get the chance, on vacation or any other time u can getaway from the office haha
drive ur red car on the beach. drive ur red car on the beach and into the water
as the car fills up w/ ocean just keep going
remember, you wanted it this way
automatic windows dont work in a submerged vehicles
you will have longer than anticipated to do whatever you want
you could think about whatever you wanted
you could just sit still

chapter 6

i want an army of lovers who defend me and help me w/ my problems comb my hair and keep my house clean and spread rumors about my enemies
i want people to do the things i tell them to do
everyone does, thats what makes us so cool
i wouldnt even bother w/ most people if i didnt believe this

what would u do if a bear raised up on its hind legs at you
would u calmly accept your fate or would you sing to the bear
would you finally put your talent to the test in the ultimate setting

this is it~

chapter 7

slap my body w/ pool noodles until i am bruised and puffy
lock me in the sauna, stick a broom handle in the door handle
i become vapor
hurl jumbo shrimp at my smoldering corpse
it doesnt matter cuz im dead
you can just dump the whole bucket

chapter 8

i am ready to receive and give love
i want to make a personal connection
i want to stick my hand in the computer and touch your bodies
i am ready to die
i am ready to lay down on the ground and fuse w/ sidewalk
i want the kids to walk on my melted husk on the way to school
i am ready to be your boyfriend
i am ready to provide Emotional support
i am stealing your Energy
i am Making Everything About Me Again

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