An Apology (And Thank You) Letter For Sticking Beside Me Despite My Mental Illness

My mental health can be exhausting.

However, I also recognize that it can be tiring on those around me. 

So this is me saying I am sorry. I am sorry for the times I cancelled plans because I couldn’t speak without my eyes welling up. I am sorry I said “No” to going to the bar when you really wanted to have drinks and dance.

My anxieties and intrusive thoughts got the best of me, and had convinced me that if I went out something horrible would happen.

I am sorry for the times I’ve slept through plans or haven’t returned phone calls. And I am sorry this isn’t a one-off. Sometimes just trying to eat, sleep, and go to my appointments can feel like a 24 hour job, and I never want you to feel like you’re in second place.

I’m sorry if it seems like I am avoiding you. I promise I am not. Sometimes I get worried that you’ll suggest getting food or kindly ask “Are you hungry?”

I am sorry for yelling and cursing at you when you beg me to eat before getting behind the wheel. I know you’re just looking out for me, and I can’t imagine how scary that must be at times.

I am sorry for when my illness completely takes over my brain and body. It looks like it is me, but I promise, it’s not. I am slowly learning that it’s the disorder talking, and that is one of the scariest things for me, but it’s also one of my biggest reasons to recover.

I am sorry for the fights I have started. For the nights you’ve laid awake worried, crying, and researching how to make me better.

To clarify, none of this is me justifying my behaviours. I want you to know that I am working to get back on track. It’s not easy, but I am so grateful that you have stayed by my side. I never meant to hurt you, and I am terrified of ever losing you. 

So here’s to you for sticking with me through the ride that is mental illness.