An Honest Step-By-Step Guide To Doing Your Makeup On Date Night

Step 1: Eye Shadow Primer

Because my date will totally notice if my eye makeup has creases…

Step 2: Eye Shadow

What do I want to be today? Neutral? Colorful? Bold? Does smoky eye say “slutty bitch” or “seductively sophisticated”?

Step 3: Eyeliner

Just a small, sharp line to bring out my eyes… Maybe I should do a winged look… Oh, shit, fucked that up… Fuck, now it’s too dark… Let’s just even this side out… And… now I’m a Tim Burton creation.

Step 4: Color Serum

Fuck you, Swedish grandmother from whom I inherited my pasty complexion. It wasn’t enough to make me Casper the Ghost; you had to throw in weirdly pink cheeks. Luckily makeup technology has given me the power to fight back against genetics.

Step 5: Face Primer

The lady at Sephora said I needed this.

Step 6: Foundation

My face is a canvas and I’m an artist creating a masterpiece… using one very specific shade of oil controlling, maximum concealing beige paint.

Step 7: Shimmer Highlight

Touch lightly to cheekbones and bridge of nose to simulate that dewy natural glow that I just spent ten minutes covering up with foundation.

Step 8: Brow Pencil

There’s a fine line between attractive human female and cartoon villain.

Step 9: Mascara

Fuck! I blinked too soon! Tim Burton creation 2.0

Step 10: Lipstick

Matte or shimmer? Nude tones, bright pink, or dark red? Will this look purple on me? Glitter lipstick? What am I, a space go-go dancer? How much is too much? Will this make me look like the Joker? Should I go with a stain instead? How about a gloss?

Step 11: Perfume

Coco Chanel once said that a woman should apply perfume wherever she wants to be kissed. Is it presumptuous for me to apply this in my cleavage?