An Inner Monologue Of Breaking Your iPhone

… What was that.

Fuck.

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck nooooooooooooo.

Oh my god, this isn’t happening. No. No no no no nonononono. That didn’t happen. This is okay. It’s fine. It’s cool. This is a bad dream.

Omg.

What do I do now? I can’t tell them I dropped it [on the street/over food I was Instagramming/when I was drunk/in the toilet/on my face when I was in bed] because then it is 100% my fault and then they might not give me a new one or they will charge me for it and I do not have the money for that. Why do I spend my time walking around with a miniature computer in my pocket? That is so stupid. I miss my Razr. I mean, that thing was expensive but not this expensive? What if I went back to a flip phone? Anna Wintour has a flip phone. I could use a flip phone.

Oh my god, I really hope they fix it.

Wait, where’s the store? Let me just check the ma…

Oh. My phone’s broken. Right.

Oh my god, I’m lost. Where do I go? What do I do? I guess I can just ask someone but they all have their earphones in and I don’t want to bother them. I look like a tourist, don’t I? What if I just wander aimlessly? Not all who wander are lost. Some who wander have broken iPhones and are lost and are trying to find the Apple store oh my god I am going to die here, it’s been like 25 minutes of wandering. What time is it, let me just ch…

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.

What am I going to tell them when I get to the store? That my cat knocked it over? But my cat really did knock it over! Honest! Swear! I have a cat and everything! I’d show you the personal Instagram I made for her if my phone wasn’t broken! It was her! It wasn’t me! That’s not my friend’s cat I’m trying to pass off as mine because I don’t want to look like a negligent asshole, I promise! I swear! Wait, do I have AppleCare? I should have gotten AppleCare? I have phone insurance, right? Right? Maybe? Ugh, what if I sign up for it now before I get my phone fixed and then ask for the old switcheroo?

You know whose fault this is? Tim Cook’s! Yes! Why didn’t he make a truly indestructible phone? What gives, Apple?! This isn’t my fault! Make your products life-proof! May the ghost of Steve Jobs haun… wait, no, I love you, save me, fix me, fix my phone, I didn’t mean that, please love me, my fate rests in your hands.

… Wait. Should I be concerned that I am so frazzled over this? Is this how dependent we’ve become on our phones? That we have to wander aimlessly to find a place when we don’t have Google Maps guiding the way? That I can’t check in on Twitter and Facebook and let people know my phone was broken so they can pity me and my misery? What if Beyoncé uploads a photo to Instagram? AM I MISSING MY CHANCE FOR THE FIRST LIKE?! Oh, god, are these honestly my thoughts when I’m left alone without music blasting in my ears? Is this what I sound like? Am I so enslaved to this stupid device that I have forgotten how to be a human being and have a rational thought?

Maybe I’ll learn to be okay with a broken phone. Maybe I’ll adopt a more zen lifestyle! Maybe I’ll renounce all social media and the Internet and get a land line in a cabin 500 miles away from the closest town and become one with myself and the Universe again! This is scary. I’m way too dependent on that thing. I need an intervention. I need to learn to live without my phone, and talk to other people without texting someone else at the same time, and not chronicle every last thing I do on social media. I need a life again. I need a real life! I need to break up with Siri. An Apple a day keeps the human interaction away! What have I been missing out o..

What’s that? It’s not under warranty? Fuuuuuuuuuuuccckkkkk-is-there-anything-you-can-do-please-God-please-help-tell-me-there’s-a-loophole-take-pity-I-will-cry-in-this-Apple-store-in-front-of-you-and-the-rest-of-the-Genius-bar-so-help-me-Steve-Jobs.

$200 to fix? Really? There’s no way it can be che…

Okay, I’ll do it. Goodbye, beautiful money. I am such a slave. I needed that. It’s kind of scary how easy it is to hand all of that money ov….

Wait. I see it. I see my new phone. It’s so shiny! It’s so pretty! It’s so new!

…. Thank you, you wonderful, genius little Genius. Thank you for my phone. I’ll never break you again, baby. I missed you. I missed you so much.

[Log onto Twitter, tweet about the most stressful hour of your recent life, so people KNOW what horrors you have seen. At least you’ll get a lot of sympathy favs.]