An Inner Monologue Of Leg Day At The Gym

Alright, leg day. Let’s do this.

Let’s start off simple. Inner and outer thigh machine, or abductor, whatever the fuck it’s called.

I literally do not feel the burn whatsoever. Let me up the weights a little bit.

Okay, holy shit I think I pulled something.

Nope we’re good.

There’s no in-between on this machine. It either feels way too easy or I feel like I’m going to dislocate my hips. How old am I again?

Ugh, why do guys insist on making eye contact with me when I’m on this machine?! I realize I am opening and closing my legs, but it isn’t like a mating call, bro. Fucking chill and go admire yourself in the mirror.

Alright, what next, what next… squats.

Yes. Squat. Squat. Squat. Whoops, I dropped the medicine ball. That’s embarrassing. Aaaand, it’s rolling away from me.

Oh let me just bend over in an overly sexual way to retrieve this medicine ball that happened to roll right towards you, Mr. Bulging Beautiful Back Muscles Person…

Shit, I think that guy’s like my dad’s age. And I’m pretty sure his sweat dripped on me when I bent over. Cool.

I want some Funyuns. I always have the shittiest cravings when I’m at the gym.

Alright, leg press time. Three sets of kill-me-now.

Okay literally the only challenge on this machine is to see how long I can go without farting.

Just kidding, my thighs and my butthole are both on fire here.

Ugh, why is my butt so fucking flat? I eat enough to feed three pregnant women and I work out my butt like at least once a week, that should definitely balance out to a Kim Kardashian ass.

At least my work-out clothes kinda make it look like there’s something there. I think we all know that’s just the magic of spandex, though.

This leg extension machine makes me feel like I’m a little kid kicking my legs with excitement. Maybe I should slow down and add more weight.

Ughhhhh, why does everything on leg day hurt so fucking much?!

Wait, but I haven’t even gotten to the worst part of the workout yet.

The StairMaster.

This thing is literally the bane of my existence, but dammit I feel the burn so much.

Is it a problem that I am dripping with sweat by the first minute, and feeling like I’m going into cardiac arrest by the second?

Good thing there’s a TV screen here in case I really want to watch what’s going on in the gym security cameras.

Wait, I can hear myself breathing over my music. And the guy next to me is looking at me with either severe disgust or genuine concern over my very obnoxious panting.

This is the longest 10 minutes of my life.

Maybe if I grip these handles hard enough, I can balance myself and take the strain off my legs.

Nope, my arms are too sore from yesterday, nevermind.

Ugh, finally. I got through leg day. Now, in the wise words of Jennifer Lawrence, where’s the pizza?!?