An Inner Monologue Of Someone With Writer’s Block


Remember that time Stephanie from 7th grade dumped milk on your head at lunch in the cafeteria? Let’s dwell on that for an hour.

No. Wait. Come on. We can be productive. Productive. Productive. Yeah, this is really productive. I can do better than this, can’t I?

Oh no. What if I can’t? What if I’ve completely run out of original ideas forever? Is that even possible? I wonder if it is. Is it even possible to Google that? What would you even type into the search bar, “The death of independent thought”? That sounds like a B-movie.

Not even, sounds like a C-movie. Like “Birdemic.” That movie was incredible. Didn’t they make a sequel to that? Hell yeah they did!

Ok, that’s enough daydreaming. Let’s think of something people want to read. What do I know about that I can share with the world? Fashion? I’m wearing the same pair of gym shorts I’ve worn for three straight days.

Next. Music? The last album I downloaded was bluegrass covers of classic rock songs.

Next. Relationship advice! That’s a good one. People love to read about love and all that. But what do I know about that? Hmmmmm.


Should I write a list of things or a stream of consciousness essay or maybe something deep and profound? Those sound great, but I am neither deep nor profound.

What do people who read things on the Internet like? Cats. Well that’s obvious, but I hate cats. Seriously people, what’s so great about cats? They’re like the smaller more boring versions of dogs.

Dogs are awesome. Unless they’re small purse dogs, then they’re cats. And cats are useless.

Ok, seriously, stop wasting time on the Internet and think of something to write about.

But, what?

I don’t know.

You tell me.

How about a list? Lists are good, people like lists, they’re organized, effective.

But lists are played out. Let’s do something original.

We’ve already established you have no original thoughts.

There’s got to be at least one more in there, right?

What was Birdemic 2 called again? You think they’ll make it a trilogy?

Stop it, brain. Stop it right now. Or so help me I’ll drink so much it’ll make freshman year of college look like Sunday school!

Okay, okay, jeez, calm down.

Oh! That’s it!

What is?

Calm down – relaxation! I’ve got it!

We’re going to write about relaxing? You’ve had four cups of coffee and your left eye is twitching a bit.

No, no, no, we’ll do some relaxation exercises! Breathe in, breathe out, inhale, exhale, and lower your heart rate below 200.

Ah, that’s better.

Yeah it is, I feel so much more relaxed now.

Let’s get a snack, all this work has really made me hungry.

You’re right; we’ve certainly worked up an appetite.

Shut up.

Eh, we’ll try again later.