An Interview with God
By Will Sloan
Innovator. Visionary. Mentor. Moral authority. Creator. Yes, God is all these things and more, but there is one role the six-thousand-year-old superstar has never assumed: raconteur. When I first heard that I would be interviewing the Lord, my feelings were mixed. Sure, I was a fan of His work: He did a fine job creating the universe, and His idea to invent light was particularly inspired. But the responsibility of interviewing someone as distinguished and revered as the Almighty was a daunting one. How could I possibly do justice to a figure as mysterious and elusive as this living legend?
I needn’t have worried. Over a lunch of wine and communion wafers at St. Gregory’s Catholic Church, the always-controversial “Man Upstairs” finally set the record straight as only He could, opening up about the current political landscape in his most candid, illuminating, and comprehensive interview in years.
WILL: God, what can I say? You’ve always been a superstar, but it seems like your profile just gets higher every year! And now, with the rising Tea Party movement, the presidential candidacy of Michele Bachmann, and the ever-popular act of using your name in vain, your star power is showing no sign of fading! My first question is, what are your thoughts on Governor Rick Perry? He recently told the press that he had felt you had called him to run for office.
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Or are you an Obama supporter?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Certainly Mitt Romney cannot be underestimated as a challenge in the coming election. What are your thoughts on his religious beliefs? Do you think a Mormon could be elected President? And, for that matter, was there any truth to Joseph Smith’s claims?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Well, I can understand that you’d want to remain politically neutral. That said, I think we can agree that the negotiations between the Democrats and Republicans over the debt has been both fascinating and nerve-wracking.
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: And, I mean, Jesus, your alleged son, has sometimes been accused of being a socialist, so I’ll bet he’s been following Obama’s tenure with great interest!
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Sorry, that was a cheap shot. Anyway, you obviously have much greater knowledge of politics than I do. I mean, you’ve been following them for… millions of years? Billions?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Oh, whoops, I forgot that the world is only six thousand years old. Sorry about the slip-up.
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: I suppose we should move on. What are your thoughts on the separation of church and state? With the increasing influence of fundamentalist Christianity in politics, it’s a bigger issue than ever.
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Well, maybe we should get into specifics. Do you think, for example, that we should have prayer in school? And should intelligent design be taught alongside evolution?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: I can sense you’re a bit uncomfortable with these topics. Perhaps we should move on. What do you think of Pope Benedict? He has drawn controversy for his conservative leanings.
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Well, I’m sure he’s a nice guy if you get to know him. Here’s a nitpicky question: isn’t “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour’s wife” just the same as “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” except much less reasonable?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Well, I’ve never been a biblical literalist. Let’s tackle a smaller issue. Latin mass: yea or nay?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Okay, sure, apples and oranges. Here’s a biggie: what is your stance on abortion?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Stem cell research?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Same-sex marriage?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Birth control?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: The AIDS epidemic, and how we can combat it?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: How can you allow so much pain and devastation?
GOD: [Silence]
WILL: Would you at least admit that Michele Bachmann is a wacko?
GOD: [Thunder, lightning, torrential rain]