An Open Letter To All Millennials: You Need To Effing Chill


Dear [Insert Name Here],

CHILL. THE. F*CK. OUT. Y’all are being crazy and this is not a dignified way for twenty-something’s/vegans/politicians/music-icons/football-players/journalists/pornstars/PhD’s/pizza-eaters/cats/protesters/brain-havers to conduct themselves. Aren’t you trying to project a positive image of [insert something here]? Don’t you care about the next generation of whatever-the-hell’s? Because this is totally NOT helping.

Let me start out by saying that we all are to blame. We turn our televisions to the nonsense, tweet about things that don’t deserve the title of “trending”, and subscribe to TIDAL because Kanye West won’t just be cool and release his album so we can illegally download it. (And yes, I’m part of the problem.)

We let Kanye storm the stage at the Grammy’s, allowed Donald Trump to become a front-runner for the next presidential election, and made Facebook etiquette 8 trillion times more difficult in pursuit of a “dislike” button. It’s our fault Lindsay Lohan got addicted to cocaine and Ben Affleck played Batman.

Sure, we laughed when Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid “Apple”, but we also allowed Kanye to name his son “Saint”. (Don’t lie, either. We were hoping he was going to name the kid “God”.) We were more excited when Antonin Scalia died than when Charles Manson did. We let Justin Bieber become legitimate and let Lady Gaga get involved in “American Horror Story”. And let’s be honest, folks: we’re so stoked about Larry David promising free college that we’re reenacting the Rodney King riots at Trump rallies because socialism sounds awesome.

We are the millennials. We are a proud, pseudo-productive group, born between 1981 and 1997. We vote, we come together, we create movements (not just of the bowel-variety). Black lives matter, dammnit! Gay marriage is legal! WE CHANGE THE WORLD WITH HASHTAGS!!! (#blessed) We have the world at our newly-manicured fingertips and if anyone can “Make America Great Again”, it’s US. Not rich bastards whose heads got dipped in a cotton candy machine. So let’s use our power for awesomeness. Let’s get together (yeah, yeah, yeah) and kick racism in the ‘nads. Let’s stop inequality and misogyny and terrorism and haters.

To paraphrase somebody (I forget who), when we’re all of one voice, there’s nothing we can’t do. So let’s do it. We’ve got this. Peace and love. Bacon and eggs. Stars and stripes. Dolla, dolla bills, y’all.

Let’s stomp on the goddamn terra and make this world a better place.