An Open Letter to Batman



From: Oliver Miller

To: Bruce Wayne, James Gordon, Richard Grayson, Selina Kyle, et al.

Dear Batman–

Hi, Batman! It’s me, Oliver. As a resident of “Gotham City” (which most people call “Manhattan,” by the way), I had a few quick questions for you. Possibly, you could take a few seconds out of your busy life as playboy-by-day, crime-fighter-by-night, in order to answer them. Here are my questions for you…


How much money per year are you spending on grappling hooks, Batmobiles, Batbikes, Batboats, the Batwing, plus a gigantic underground cave complex filled with state-of-the-art computers? Millions? Tens of millions? Because it seems like this would cost quite a lot of money. This seems like an inefficient use of your resources. Have you considered, instead, running for mayor of “Gotham City”?

As mayor of Gotham, you would be able to reform the city’s infrastructure, strengthen the police force, maybe even increase security at Arkham Asylum, which, by the way, every single person ever escapes from — like, always.

So just think about that.  It just seems more efficient, cost-benefit-wise, then spending $10 million on designing and developing, say, a Batboat. By the way — how many criminals have you ever stopped with the “Batboat”? Three? Two? Zero? Is there a lot of boat-related crime happening in Gotham? I think not. I’m not trying to be rude — I’m just trying to brainstorm here.


And then, I had a few questions of a more personal nature:

I don’t really want to get into the whole “Robin” thing, but you must realize that the whole Robin thing is somewhat creepy and disconcerting to the rest of us. I don’t want to say any more… but I think you know what I’m talking about.


So I may be a little confused, but in real life, are you more of a brooding, sociopathic loner, or a chummy guy with a partner who enjoys bantering and wearing brightly-colored tights? Because the various reports that I’ve received about you have been contradictory in this regard.

Likewise, what up with the Joker? Is he a psychotic, anarchic mass-murderer? Or a quipster who does silly things like attempting to trap you and your partner in a giant jack-in-the-box? Again, I am confused here.

Though at least with the Joker, you’re picking on someone your own size, I guess. Unlike your rival Superman, who does in fact seem like a dick. Neither you nor the Joker has super-powers. That seems fair. But Superman is an absurdly strong god-like being who flies around and beats up Lex Luthor, who is just an ordinarily smart scientist. Thus, the message that I have gotten from reading about Superman is this: “Intelligence is no match for someone who can just beat you the fuck up.”  Since I am a physically weak individual who reads a lot of comic books, this is a not message that sits well with me.

…Do you kind of hate Superman?  (By the way, I really do.)


Moving on, why does the Batsignal stop in the middle of the air like that? I’m no expert on optics, but it seems to me that a beam of light, once projected, will continue in a straight line until it either reflects, refracts, or disperses. But the Batsignal stops completely in the middle of the sky and somehow projects the perfect outline of a bat in midair. Please clear this up.

Don’t you think the Batmobile is kind of a bad idea, crime-fighting-wise? According to various reports, the Batmobile is either an old-timey car shaped like a bat, or an enormous tank-like thing. Either way, isn’t the Batmobile thus incredibly noticeable? Don’t you want to be sneaky? Criminals must be able to see you coming from miles away. And aren’t the police looking for you? How can you possibly fight crime, when you’re driving the most ostentatious automobile of all time?

Again, I really think you might want to focus more energy on running for mayor and fixing Gotham from the ground up — and less energy on developing various Bat-related vehicles. I really strongly believe this. Hope I’m not overstepping my bounds here. Just trying to help!

…And finally: have you seen this movie? It’s really, really, really bad. So bad. Please don’t allow them to make any more movies like that about you. In fact, if you can just promise to avoid any more bad movies, then you really don’t have to answer this letter, and can ignore the rest of my questions/comments. Thanks!

Once again, thanking you in advance,
Your pal, Oliver

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Thumbnail image – Batman and Robin