An Open Letter To Mornings


Dear Mornings,

I want to like you, I really do, but when you continue to behave this way, I really don’t see how we can go on. I systematically act like a fool in your presence, and I can’t help but place the blame on you.

Earlier today, I actually considered wearing crocs. Like, out into the world. Usually my brain would have screamed, “NO, JESS, RUN THE OTHER WAY,” but it was all clogged with morning and didn’t know any better. I think we know who is at fault here.

It also seems that every day when I wake up, I look like a hot mess. Why is my hair defying gravity in these moments? (And not in the Elpheba on Broadway kind of way; the only things flying away are my bangs.) Usually my hair is so easy to get along with — I just don’t understand. I am not down for bed-head, nor am I super thrilled about this puffy-eyed phenomenon that we seem to be rocking. Rolling out of bed every day is like confronting some sort of Play-doh rendition of my former self. BOO!

And another thing, Morning: what is the deal with you making my shower 99% less functional? Before you protest, I will tell you with ABSOLUTE CERTAINTY that it does not take 10 minutes for the water to heat up at any other time of the day or night. I have actually started to go back to sleep between when I turn the shower on and when I wake up for good; it’s that bad. I live on the ground floor of my building, so I really don’t understand the difficulty. Get your head in the game!

Normally, the one thing that rights my upside-down, sleep-addled world is caffeine. At this point in my life, if there is not a coffee firmly planted between my grubby little fingers, I am passed out on the table like a wino on the street. The other day, though, even my coffee lifevest failed to do its job.

You know how on television there are always people misplacing their keys and their phones in really weird places? There they are, running around in a panic, and then, like, five hours later they open their freezer, only to magically discover what they have lost. “Oh geez, I am so forgetful!” they say.

Then there you are, sitting on your couch watching these people in utter disbelief. The whole time you’re like, “HEY, FOOL. YOU LEFT YOUR PHONE IN THE FREEZER. I SAW IT HAPPEN 4 HOURS AGO. OH, GOOD, YOU FOUND IT, BUT IT PROBABLY DOESN’T EVEN WORK NOW BECAUSE IT’S FROZEN.” I am always so cavalier about these people; I can never believe that someone is that stupid. “What an idiot. Who are these people that leave things in the freezer? No one leaves things in places like that.” Well — I don’t really have room to talk anymore.

A few days ago, I stumbled into the kitchen, got the coffee pot all ready to go, and finished getting ready. As I was walking out the door, I realized I couldn’t find my phone. I looked EVERYWHERE, but it was nowhere to be found. Guess where it was? It was INSIDE my coffee canister. I KID YOU NOT. Red alert! Even coffee isn’t safe in the AM!

So, ummm, Morning, sweetie? I am 100% sure that you are responsible for all of this, and I think we are going to have to break up. I am unfriending you on Facebook and deleting your number out of my phone. This relationship is unhealthy, and it needs to end ASAP.

Love, Jess

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