An Open Letter to The Illuminati


Dear Global Overlords (my apologies if that’s too familiar),

Okay! Uncle! We get it. You run this shit. Breaking the global economy just to prove a point seems a bit extreme. Unlike the others who criticize you and protest, I trust you had your reasons. That’s the main point of my letter. I get that you have different rationales and agendas. And we, the ignorant plebes, might not understand. But do you have to do such a sloppy job dominating the world? It just seems terribly short-sighted.

Overheating the world’s economy and then crashing it so you could buy up the broken pieces on the cheap that was a little bit of genius. What a cunning way to accelerate greater corporate consolidation and further the reach of your global control. That was a smart move, really. If I was in your position, and was employing your values, I’d likely do the same thing. Buy low and sell high, right? When prices get too high (like the housing market) rather than wait for some market correction, just chop that value down and buy low again. Clear-cut that financial forest! Now, that’s a heart-breaking, staggering work of genius, if you can get away with it. And it seems you can. So… Okay! Fine! We get it! You’re gonna do shit your way. It’s not like we can do anything about it anyway. But couldn’t you be smarter about how you dominate the globe? Is this really the best way to run a global conspiracy and corporate technocracy? It just seems… really messy. And I’m talking about it from your standpoint. You seem smarter than what your results suggest. You don’t need all these headaches. Not when you have so much wealth and power to enjoy. Right?

Okay! So here are, free of charge, a few ideas on how you can better dominate the world, global trade, manipulate the world’s religions and resources for your benefit, so that the scraps you leave for the rest of us to fight over would still be a much better brand of scraps. See? That way we all enjoy a better, safer, cleaner world… you first, of course.

1.  Biomimicry

I can’t figure out why but you seem to ignore the potential of this emerging field of science like it did something bad to your mama. What’s up, Illuminati? Maybe rather than fracking your way to the future, why don’t you take a look at what researchers are doing with algae-based solar power? Rather than strip mine every mountain and de-forest the rest of the known old growth woods, maybe look at what designers are creating by imitating termites, butterflies, plant leaves, sharks, and kingfisher birds.

Biomimicry requires inventors or innovators to consider the world their laboratory. It urges them to use Nature as their mentor, model and measure. And it asks: why don’t we use non-toxic processes, ones that imitate the effectiveness of Nature’s engineering? We can borrow recipes from that 4.5 billion year old cookbook. We can pilfer from the treasure trove of research-and-design secrets stored in the world around us. And I know how you like to pilfer and poach. The first wave of scientists committed to biomimicry are really doing some fantastic stuff. But they could use some money to conduct more research.

Look, I know some of you are pretty heavily invested in companies who profit off the non-renewable resource streams like coal and oil, but you know it and I know it, that shit’s getting pretty hectic. The petrochemical industry is a tough business. And it’s getting downright ugly. So, here’s your chance! Divest in petroleum and start dominating the markets of solar power, renewable resources and biomimetic engineering and design. It’s the smart thing to do and in the end it will be cleaner and cheaper.

You’ve seen The DaVinci Code, right? Sure you have. You remember how the Fibonacci sequence is mentioned over and over again? It’s the most efficient rate of mathematical inflation of a pattern that replicates itself. It’s what Nature uses to grow a sunflower, seashells, your brain cells, and even galaxies. Well, there are companies using it to make new products, basic stuff like fans, but ones that are 25% more efficient because they utilize the Fibonacci sequence. Do you know how much energy is dedicated to all the fans used by your sprawling global techno-empire? Lots. You could save like 12% of the energy consumed every day just by switching to ones made by Pax Scientific. There’s a burgeoning field of exciting and innovative new enterprises. Time to fold them into your plans for continued world domination. The Biomimicry Revolution could be huge for you. Bigger than that mess we called the Industrial Revolution. Don’t think about it- just do it!

2.  Whole-life cost Economics

You know it and I know it- it’s time to update! Economics is boring so no one talks much about it, but the old methods of accounting are no longer applicable to our real-time global infrastructure. We need to bump it up to whole-life cost economics and start tracking the opportunity costs and physicals costs of the lifetime of an item or asset. We (and by we, I mean you) need to figure out what it really costs to make something, use it and then destroy it (or better yet, reuse it). That way in the race to the bottom, we (and again, I mean you) can find the real and truly cheapest method to produce an item. Why fuck around with Ebeneezer Scrooge-era accounting methods when we have the computer power and labor force who could make sense of the life cycle of a product?

If all the countries of the world are competing, it’s time to keep track of the global scoreboard. Right? If I was in your position, I’d want to accurately be able to dominate every aspect of industry/production, and do it as cheaply as possible. Sounds sexy, doesn’t it? I think it’ll really change your game.

3.  A Living Wage For Your Happy Consumers

Ever since you decided to shake up the global financial snow-globe and let the chips fall where they may, a lot of people have lost their homes. I guess the message of The New Normal is this is what we can expect. All over the world, from Las Vegas to La Paz, it sure seems like you prefer it when we’re somewhat rootless and can easily roll away like tumbleweeds. But if people are gonna constantly lose their homes to foreclosure, terrorism, civil war, famine, flood, etc, they’ll still need to go somewhere. As it stands, getting around the globe is super-easy for some, but for others it’s a matter of taking their lives in their hands. That’s bad for business. Right? You still need customers. Even that skin flint Henry Ford understood that people needed enough money to buy what he was selling. And they need a place to keep the stuff they buy, so they can occasionally enjoy it. But you have your agenda, so rather than guarantee affordable housing and a chance to build wealth and secure a future for our children, could you at least make sure we can occasionally buy all the wonderful products you make. Seems like a win-win.

4.  Basic Human Services: water, food, shelter, entertainment

And this brings us to another core challenge of dominating a globe filled with seven billion plus autonomous pains-in-your-ass. We need stuff every day. What a drag! I feel bad for you that we need so much stuff… every single damn day.

If globalization is basically a really nice wrapping paper for the new One Third World, couldn’t you at least manage it based on some sort of greater sense of regionalism? Water is about to be a serious fucking problem for millions and millions of people in South America. Consider the case of Bolivia’s water wars. And still you’re letting the CEO of Nestle run around and talk about further privatization of this precious natural resource? The Chinese government is sponsoring the purchase by private Chinese companies of the American heartland so that they can anticipate the food needs of their still growing population. The way it is now it’s just a reckless free-for-all. Why is a French food company harassing Bolivian citizens for their water? Why are Chinese funds buying American farmland? I’ll say it! Because capitalism is a silly and stupid system sometimes! But work with what God gave you, right?

So, here’s another thought. Create better management of resources at the regional level. If Chinese companies want American farm products, they should buy them on the market, not just buy the farm. They have no vested interest in the area or the people who live there. That’s bad management. That’ll cause more problems than it solves. The Romans teach us that if you want to run an empire you need good local regional managers to do the bidding of the empire. Trust me, it’ll be far cheaper than all the wars that loom on the horizon over water, food and, of course, mineral rights. You don’t want to deal with that. Even from a distance, that’ll be ugly to watch.

5.  Women World Leaders

This one seems to be happening of its own accord. But I gotta say it’s nice to see. Women tend to bring a different toolbox to fix the problems of the day. It was smart of you to no longer thwart their social progress with such a rapacious zeal. And I think, as you may have noticed, women make excellent world leaders and there should be more of them. I can only assume they make excellent members of The Illuminati, and if I’m right, bully to you. If at all possible, at least in America, would you mind encouraging more women to run for office and replace some of the jack-hole douche-bags who keep embarrassing us on the world stage? I have no idea what your plans are for America, but I think it’s only good for the world if we ensure some of our congressmen speak less often in front of a microphone. Once again, maybe they serve a certain purpose for you. Maybe those fools just make you laugh the way a talking baby makes most people laugh. I don’t know.

6.  Who Gets To Be A Full Voting Member of The Illuminati?

Last question. Did you really let Kanye in to The Illuminati as a voting member? I mean, Jay Z… I can see that. He has the sort of mind that can help you run your empire of global dominance. He intuitively understands what people want, need and will buy. But Kanye? He seems more suited to help you plan your annual winter ball, or maybe create a line of casual men’s clothing for relaxing at your hidden mountaintop summits. I just hope he doesn’t get to decide the future of offshore oil drilling or mineral management in sub-Saharan Africa. That would be a huge mistake. Kanye may be able to hear the future of music but I don’t think he sees the future for Bangladesh quite as clearly. No offense, Yeezus.

So, there you go. I hope these ideas help. We all share the same planet (at least until you no longer need us and replaces us with robots). Since you obviously run this shit, it’d be cool if you did it as intelligently as possible. If only for your sake. Now, I may think of a couple of other ideas. You may hear from me again. But hey, you gotta be pretty stoked most of the other seven billion plus pains-in-your-ass aren’t all as opinionated as I am. Right?

Hope you take some time to enjoy the colors of autumn (you know, while we still have such rich biodiversity),

All my best,


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