An Open Letter To The Slow Walkers of America

It’s obvious when you’re the type: you’re that one guy (or girl) moseying down the street, taking their sweet time. You might be enjoying your morning with a coffee in one hand and an iDevice in the other. You could also be a tourist, the kind that feels no shame about stopping in the middle of a busy intersection to glance down at your map. Either way, you have the ability to simultaneously enrage everyone around you and remain blissfully ignorant of the impatient glares and muttered curses thrown your way. You somehow manage to move at least a whole mile per hour slower than everyone else, all while not giving a single you-know-what. You are undoubtedly one of the Slow Walkers of America™.

However, on days where I’m not stuck behind you trying to get to class, work, or an equally time-sensitive appointment, I find myself more intrigued than frustrated by your ways. How do you do it, Slow Walkers™? Aren’t you scared of being injured by another pedestrian, a cyclist, or a taxi as you stroll down the crosswalk? Wouldn’t it be easier to move with the flow of traffic rather than forcing everyone behind you to adapt to your leisurely pace? Don’t you have anywhere to be—or have you given yourself extra time for your daily stroll?

Maybe it’s a spiritual thing for Slow Walkers™. Admittedly, life becomes a little less stressful when you stop to smell the roses. Maybe you’re resisting the pressures of our on-the-go society, and perhaps someday we will all reach your slow-paced nirvana and embrace the simple pleasure of ambling along the road without a care in the world.

Until then, kindly speed it up.