An Open Letter To Women’s Restrooms

By

Dear Women’s Restrooms In Bars And Nightclubs,

What the living shit is your deal? Do you think there are only TWO females up in you that have to go to the freaking bathroom/fix their makeup? We are over here chugging vodka sodas like it is our freaking JOB and you cannot provide us with more than one or two stalls?

We are spending SO MUCH MONEY up in your ass it’s not even funny. Oh, a $64 bar tab for one? Where do I sign??? Like, don’t offend us. Don’t make us wait in freaking line like a herd of cattle as the men SMH at our stupid asses on their way to the wait-free men’s room. We did not dress up like freaking modern day, high class escorts to push and shove each other like kindergartners at recess to achieve a mere five seconds of relief from our excessive liquid intake. Oh and also, I am SO not even sorry for sometimes using the men’s. If you’re a girl and think this is gross or impolite, you’re a freaking idiot. Sometimes we are left with no other choice.

Oh, and I love FINALLY getting INTO the stall where I can’t even shuffle my 5 inch high­-heeled ass through the vomit and excess toilet paper on the ground, only be left hovering over the toilet like I’m in a damn body pump class. This is NOT ACCEPTABLE. Mad props to your employees who have to deal with our wasted and incoherent asses but COME ON!

But in your defense, some of the dumb bitches who are patrons at your bar/club need to learn some freaking respect and throw their shit in the toilet or trash/learn that it is NEVER a good idea to freaking throw up IN THE SINK. But the LEAST you could do in this situation is leave some damn Drano so the sophisticated restroom goers of the world like myself can unclog that shit before we step onto the battlefield and have to fight our way to victory.

But also NOT in your defense, provide us with MORE STALLS! The people who take our shit (no pun intended) work freaking-hard-as-balls for most likely really shitty pay and they shouldn’t have to deal with this. Don’t make THEM clean up the mess YOU’VE made (again with the puns – I can’t help it!).

I think the best way to solve this whole thing is to bust down the wall to the men’s room, let the ladies take it over, and let the men PEE OUTSIDE. Do men REALLY need actual STALLS? Who is needing privacy to take a shit at a nightclub?? Why is that even happening??? Why are you even leaving this option OPEN for them?????? Let them pee in the damn alley like they do anyway after they exit. Guys are walking human restrooms! Use this to your advantage!

In closing, thanks for nothing, always. Get your shit together. We know MEN design these things anyway so try asking for female advice for once before you construct another disaster that is really just an illusion of a fully functioning restroom. We are already providing you with business and bringing hot babes inside of your walls. Don’t make us have to squat down to your level.

Sincerely,
Every Girl On The Planet