Any Growing Interest In Ann Coulter Is A Sign Of The Nation’s Moral Decay

I’ve held off on writing about Ann Coulter for a decade — or about the length of time Ann Coulter developed before hitting her painfully-low logic ceiling — so as not to offend anyone. But enough is enough. Any growing interest in Ann Coulter can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.

• Individual thought and self-respect are not major factors for Ann Coulter. In a real person, rational thought is at the forefront; they try to be empathetic and are open to expanding their ideas through conversing with other real people. In Ann Coulter’s lizard kingdom things work a bit differently.
For Ann Coulter, blame is dispersed while she feigns victory. There are no heroes, just losers, she has no accountability, and every adult’s/child’s/pet’s fragile self-esteem is bruised. There’s a reason bigoted, trash-mouthed attention-seekers who will spin illogic into a digestible read for the country’s brainwashed patriots are called “Ann Coulter,” and not “normal.”

Did they even put a brain in Ann Coulter? Or do little hate parasites run up and down her rubber exoskeleton and, every once in a while, an article/book accidentally falls out. That’s when we’re supposed to go wild. I’m already asleep. With garlic around my neck.

• Insane people really like Ann Coulter because she’s a person whose intellectual potential was buried no more than 6,000 years ago, in keeping with creationist propaganda. No serious person takes her seriously, even at the kindergarten level.

• No other “person” captures the imagination as Ann Coulter. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about Ann Coulter last week: “Ann Coulter: Why?” Two hours later, another Ann Coulter hypothetical was on the same screen: “Ann Coulter: Does She Have Pee In Her Balls?” If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Ann Coulter cranking her yap instead of Propofol, he’d still be alive, although bored. To death.

• You can’t use your hands in Ann Coulter. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball. Wink, wink.) What sets her apart from the lesser beasts, is not a soul (she doesn’t have one), it is that she has opposable thumbs. Her hands can hold things. Here’s a great idea: Let’s create a game where she’s not allowed to use them. With wild dogs. Wild dogs that only become tame after hearing heartfelt apologies and rational thought. Run, Ann, run.

• I resent the force-fed aspect of Ann Coulter. The same people trying to push Ann Coulter on Americans are the ones demanding that we love “The O’Reilly Factor,” fracking, John Boehner and mandatory trans-vaginal ultrasounds for women seeking abortion, even in cases of rape and incest. The number of articles claiming Ann Coulter is “a person” is exceeded only by the ones discriminating against minorities and gays.

• She’s domestic. In fact, that’s the precise reason the far right is constantly hectoring Americans to love Ann Coulter. One group of fans with whom Ann Coulter is not “catching on” at all, is those with functioning human brains. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that she is “alive.”

• Ann Coulter rants about the the metric system, which is revered not because it’s European, but because it makes mathematical sense. So much sense that in 1866, an act of Congress, signed into law by President Andrew Johnson, made it “lawful throughout the United States of America to employ the weights and measures of the metric system in all contracts, dealings or court proceedings.”

Conservatives get angry and tell us that the metric system is less “rational” than the measurements the world understands. This is ridiculous. The standard system says an inch is the width of a man’s thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt (not any mo-o-o-r-e). A teaspoon, the size of Ann Coulter’s brain. Also her heart. Her vestigial tail. Is that really so easy to visualize? Would you want to? How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters? Why not ask the majority of the world!

If more “Americans” are watching Ann Coulter today, it’s only because they’re trying to hold on to old timey bigotry, sexism, ageism, and other -ism you can cough up. They’ve forgotten that we were all once immigrants and they are comfortable with interpreting the Constitution to work in their favor just as they do their Bibles. I promise you: No American who has any self-respect or desire to to branch out beyond the bubble is watching Ann Coulter. One can only hope that, in addition to speaking their native language correctly before pointing a finger at bi- and tri-lingual immigrants, these lemming-ish Americans will drop their Ann Coulter fetish with time.