Are Blowjobs The New Bitcoin?

It seems pontificating over the future of online currency is all the rage at the moment. Speculation about bitcoin, litecoin or whatever the hell else the anarchist basement dwellers have dreamed up this week, has become a cyclically task for the feckless journalists staffing the technology pages of national newspapers. Well, I use the internet too and I think I’ve spotted the next big online currency trend: blowjobs.

Ukrainian Blowjob Girl

With the reach of one’s online social influence becoming an increasing concern for those serious about their place in a fast-moving social paradigm, it will come as no surprise that people have been trading blowjobs for likes. A Ukrainian called Anastasiya Milanovich caused a bit of a stir on the social network Vkontakte last year when she promised to give a blowjob to a random stranger if her status was liked more than 10,000 times.

Below is a screenshot of the infamous gauntlet and english translations.

Anastasiya Milanovich (38 minutes ago):

YOU FAGGOTS ALL FUCK OFF

Anastasiya Milanovich (23 minutes ago):

Let it be bitches, you pissed me off, since I cannot answer all of you – I’ll offer you a bet, if in 96 hours this entry accumulates 10000 likes I will suck to one of you, with witnesses and filming this act on camera, and if not – you all will LEAVE ME FOREVER!!, clock started!

It took just fifty minutes for Ms Milanovich to meet her goal, whereupon she dutifully selected a penis to swallow.

Anastasiya Milanovich:

HERE I CHOSE, IF THERE ARE NO OTHER CANDIDATES TODAY, I WILL SUCK TO HIM. HE IS FREAKISH AND THIN ENOUGH.

/R/RandomActsOfBlowJob

The subreddit /r/randomactsofblowjob is an attempt to create an online charity for those wishing to receive blowjobs and those willing to gift them. Unfortunately, it would seem there are more of the former than of the latter.

/r/randomactsofblowjob is brimming with daily posts from penis owners looking to get nibbled. Typical posts include this one titled “25 [M4F] Chapel Hill, NC Give a virgin a birthday present?” and posted by a user called Cyphr.

I’m turning 26 next tuesday, and I’ve still not made it beyond first base. How about making my year? I’m a nerdy programmed working over in RTP. I play video games and read in my spare time for the most part.

Unfortunately for Cyphr, it did not appear that his heartbreaking post generated a response.

Little Monster Cock Suckers

Earlier this month Ms Gaga made a grand gesture to her fans: tweet her a screenshot to prove that they had bought her latest single, “Applause” and they could be in with a chance to accompany Mother Monster to the iTunes festival in London.

The meat dress aficionado then added:

One can only imagine the lengths certain members of Lady Gaga’s fanbase would go to get their mitts on as many copies of the self aggrandizing single as possible. Offering oral relief in return for an iTunes receipt almost seems reasonable – and that’s exactly what some fans offered to do.

One fan even offered a discount of a handjob for those who repeatedly watch the “Applause” video on YouTube instead of actually shelling out $1.29 on the song.

Sugar Daddies

A cynic might argue that most relationships between men and women are based on an exchange of sexual services. If you wish to make this more of a formal arrangement, the internet is on hand to facilitate. Sex as currency is not new, but the economies of scale brought about by social networking platforms provide alarmingly easy reach for those willing to offer (or solicit) sex as payment in kind.

This rather bleak sort of economics has proved fertile ground for a raft of “sugar daddy” websites: places for female students and graduates to meet rich older men. A successful user of one of these websites, SeekingArrangement, told the Daily Mail about her experiences. Her comments betray yet another respect in which the internet, which was supposed to liberate women, is turbo-charging the opposite:

I did a bit of modeling for fashion magazines in my first two years at university, so I was confident that I would find the right sugar daddy. I wasn’t disappointed… It took me about a month to find the man I was looking for – basically, someone I would have dated anyway, regardless of meeting him on a sugar daddy site.He was in his late forties and making several million a year working for one of the big hedge funds. He drove a Bentley, and took me to some amazing places including a perfect weekend at Raymond Blanc’s Manoir Aux Quat’Saisons.

We entered into what the site calls a mutually beneficial arrangement. We were boyfriend and girlfriend but I was paid £2,500 a month, which was more than enough to cover my bills while I pursued my career in film. We saw each other for six months while I acquired the skills which enabled me to get a full-time job.

Some might call this sort of arrangement prostitution. Whatever it is, blowjobs for an education seems like a better deal then blowjobs for a chance to meet Lady Gaga.

Exchange rates fluctuate massively in the blowjob economy, but with this battery of proof, we can only conclude that they are going to be the next big thing. Before we know it people are going to be buying new iPhones with them.

Oh, wait.

This article originally appeared on Kernel Magazine.