Are You In LOOOOOVE With Your Computer?


Love is a strange word. You never really know how much you love something until it goes away, or you let it go, or that movie with the birds, you know.

I never meant to damage my computer. It was a terrible decision that I am fully responsible for, and I’m still coming to terms with it. Sometimes I just get so scared that I won’t be able to turn it on again. Truthfully, that IS going to happen and very soon. Nothing can prepare me for that moment, I know. It might even break down right now, as I am writing this riveting, deeply confessional tale. All of this time, all of these sentence-structures… it could be all gone in an instant.

Last July, I was on Mount Royal reading a book in the grass, in the sunlight. I would usually plan to stay outside all day but at ~4PM I noticed dark clouds coming in from the NorthWest.

I thought, “It’s going to rain in a couple of hours.”

On my way home I stopped off at the market to get a few staple items: avocado, kale, blueberries, olive oil, kambucha because the probiotics help me shit and it tastes delicious I don’t care.

I thought, “You know what, if it starts raining while I‘m on my way home, that’s okay. Between my fabric and my computer, it will be fine.”


By the time I finished my backpack was full- all the food plus my uncovered laptop. Then I looked up at the storefront window and saw insane purple clouds blanketing the sky. People running with random objects covering their heads. Inside the store, everyone was at behind the window glass, holding their grocery bags, mouths agape. Children were actually crying.

I looked down at the roll of plastic bags beside me and I thought, “Should I empty out my backpack onto the floor right now in this crowded room full of people, cover my MacBook Air in plastic, put everything back in my bag, and bike home?”

Then, because I am stupid I thought, “Nahhh.”

I ran out into the rain, wearing a light grey, polyester, one-piece, which was immediately see-through, having far too much faith in my computer’s ability to deal with that amount of water.

I went, like, thirteen blocks to the metro station. The ride was lovely though, I must admit. I was basically naked, and the atmosphere felt like a swimming pool. Youthful couples were laughing with each other, unafraid of the rain.

When I brought my baby home I was hopeful, but part of me (the very miniscule part of me, which governs rational decision-making) knew that it was too late.
I plugged it into the wall and there was nothing. I jammed my finger into the power key, for minutes.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” I yelled, throaty and hoarse.

My roommate ran out of his bedroom saying, “What’s wrong?”


He looked at my finger on the power key, accentuated by the black dead screen.

“Oh god,” he put his hand to his mouth.

“I’m an idiot! I’m an idiot! I don’t deserve to be alive!”

“No, no, no,” he disappeared and reappeared with a bag of basmati rice. “Put it in a plastic bag, pour in some rice and seal it.”

For days we were both on edge, watching my MacBook in the box of rice, sitting in the hallway.

“I don’t think this will work. You should really put it in a plastic bag, like a Ziplock bag, and seal it, you know?”

“But we don’t have any plastic bags. This gigantic cardboard box is the closest thing I could find.”

“Why don’t you just go to the store and get some plastic bags.”

“Yes, but it is covered in rice. It will work.”

“That doesn’t make sense because the rice needs to absorb the water from the machine so it should be sealed off as much as possible.”

Then one day, when we were both in our separate bedrooms, reading or something, we heard the sound, THAT SOUND, THAT AMAZING WONDERFUL SOUND.

We ran both out in the hallway.

“Does it work, it works, does it work?” I said, dancing on my tippy-toes. “Should I open it? What should I do? *screaming inaudibly*”

“I don’t know…” said Adrian. “I think you’re supposed to wait a whole week.”

“Well, should I turn it off?” I asked, going in for a closer look. “I want to see it, I need to see it, I have to know what is still left.”

When I opened the MacBook, I saw, in a flash, all of my desktop folders and felt invigorated with joy.

“It’s ALIVE!!!!” I cried.

“But you should still put it in a plastic bag to seal it from the air.”

A few weeks later, I brought it to “a guy” in my hometown. He replaced the keyboard and told me it might need a new fan. Now it has been over six months, and I have been using it everyday. We have our ups and downs though. Sometimes it just blacks out randomly. I have to be very careful maneuvering it, even slightly, on my desk. I can’t watch too many videos or anything, but I shouldn’t be watching too many videos anyway. I save all of my work by emailing it to myself incessantly.

The time has come for a new computer, there’s no doubt about that. But I’m going to ride with my baby ‘til the very end because even after I’ve moved on, this machine is irreplaceable in my heart. We’ve been through a lot together. Through the best of times and the worst of times, I enjoyed each single moment. I decided I’m going to reuse the parts. I want to start tracking and controlling insects with them. This has been a dream of mine for sometime now. I’m not really sure what the point of it will be, or if it even really possible, but it is my dream, and I’m going to honor it until it’s complete. Plus, doing this will force me to learn about the miracle in front of my face every fucking day.

All in all, I need to go masturbate vigorously before end up I losing my mind. See ya!