Assessing Your ‘Type’ Via The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

By Stephanie Georgopulos

I was never crazy about cartoons. But I was content in watching any show that featured four “men” because it allowed me to form crushes based on my “type(s).” I had a crush on a character from every single TV show that ran from 1989-2000. It was only as an adult that I realized how deeply my feelings for fictional characters were rooted. I was flipping through channels, and who should I see but Michelangelo, whipping his nunchucks, being super hot and aloof. Next thing I know, I’m swooning and having flash backs of my “first time.” WHOA. So I chose a day to sit down and watch the TMNT movie in its entirety, to figure out what this all meant, i.e. why did I have weird sexual feelings about a turtle; what does this say about me? Through this experience, I was able to draw conclusions about each of the Turtles (and appropriate fringe characters); i.e. which “type” each one would be, in terms of dating.

Leonardo

Boys/men will tell you that Leonardo was a leader, and they’ll sound really proud of that, as though Leonardo’s personal achievements collectively belong to everyone born with a penis. But from a dating perspective, he’s mega bossy and standoffish. If you get in a fight, he’ll storm off to seclusion and read a book, and he’ll be annoyingly smug about it. If he doesn’t get his way, he will pout and whine, or worse; he’ll flounce. When the going gets tough, Leonardo gets going. F’real. Wrap it up with this one.

Michelangelo (<3)

Mike is clearly a stoner. He has a delayed reaction to everything, like a Coinstar machine. He seems like he’d be from the West Coast. He always has the munchies, so he’s a cool boyfriend to have if you like to eat your feelings and such. His ideas are always half-baked, but he’s funny and always has pot so… not much else to say about that.

Donatello

Donatello is tricky. Initially, I thought he was an overachieving workaholic. If you ask anyone, they’ll say, “Oh, Donatello just LOVES to work!” But I think Donatello is gay. In reality, he doesn’t isolate himself much (Leonardo is more likely to do that), and when he’s working, it takes him like two seconds to complete his tasks because he’s outrageously smart. He’s outgoing and has the same access to women as his brothers. He’s a total catch – so why is he pinned as the “loner”? I’ll tell you why – because he’s not beasting on chicks all day. He also seems to share a close friendship with Michelangelo, whose drug use indicates a liberal leaning on social issues. Donatello also has the purple bandana, but I think the evidence I’ve provided is more telling than something as flip as his bandana color.

Rafael

Rafael has a serious case of the ragies. He probably drinks protein shakes or “muscle milk” and gets into bar fights. He speaks with a Bronx accent. If he were a character in a movie, he’d be Troy from Reality Bites, which is really just so unfortunate for everyone. He’s kind of emotionally unavailable because he has this weird, unspoken thing for April O’Neil. However, their flirtation could just be a farce designed to obscure the truth – Rafael doesn’t know how to love :(.

April O’Neil

April is mega hot. She’s a redhead, so you know what that means – FIRECRACKER! Oh, and she so is. She’s always hanging out with dudes so, if you’re insecure, good luck locking that down. She also has a really demanding career and she’s totally into it. She’s no housewife, guy. April has a knack for getting herself into really dangerous situations – and she loves every second of it!!11! Plus, ‘Roid Rage Rafael is pseudo-obsessed with her so… be prepared to brawl over this chick, is what I’m saying.

Master Splinter

Master Splinter is a Silver Fox. He’s really wise and inspiring. But… don’t you think he’s a little too old for you? He’s old enough to be your dad, probably. If he hasn’t settled down by now, he never will! He’s a perpetual bachelor! You need to go out and find you somebody who needs you. Leave his old ass alone.

Shredder

If Shredder is your type… you have Stockholm Syndrome, babe. Let’s get you to therapy.