I Am A Liar
So when I said, “I’ll get right on that,” she knew I was lying. I knew she knew I was lying. She knew I knew she knew I was lying, and yet, we both maintained the façade.
I Am Right Behind You
How can I make you my girlfriend in this split second? I saw your face, and I thought, ‘That’s her. That’s my girlfriend. Forever.’ You saw my face, and you thought, ‘That’s a person.’ The fact that my momentary presence failed to catch your attention strikes me as profoundly horrifying and against the will of the universe.
12 Ways To Be Taken Seriously
If you must get a liberal arts degree, do not get a creative writing degree. You will find yourself at age 23, living at your parents’ house, tweeting what you ate for dinner, posting links to YouTube videos of koala fights, and thinking, ‘Everyone must think I’m pretty great because I always post cool videos to Facebook.”
I Forgot My Mom’s Birthday
There are plenty of things you’re allowed to forget: your keys, the location of the nearest Whataburger, the name of the bass player for the Strokes. You can forget to feed your dog. You can forget to feed yourself. You can forget where you live. You can forget your own name. But one thing you cannot forget is your mother’s birthday.
The Second Time I Was Suspended
Needless to say, I failed a lot of assignments. When it came time for the last test, I needed to pass or I risked failing the whole class and thus, senior year and thus, life. I did not react to these circumstances accordingly, so the test was difficult for me. Very difficult.
I Am The Ultimate Problem Solver
Human destiny is a tangled knot of anxiety I painstakingly unravel through my brilliant problem solving skills because I’m just that kindhearted. I’m like Oprah, the Extreme Home Makeover guy, and Dr. Phil all rolled into one omnipotent entity, a being outside time and space, overflowing with life-changing advice charity goodness love glitter.
Letter From Santa
You see, I’m not like other deities who love all people and are merely disappointed by their failings. No, I feel hate, and I hate you.
How I Started Writing
The book is basically unreadable as, it turns out, I was not an undiscovered literary prodigy, but it’s interesting to note what I thought made a good story at the time: fighting, lasers, monsters, horrifying deaths, etc.
Southern Stereotypes In The Walking Dead
We don’t all use words like “ain’t,” “ya’ll,” “folks,” and “shucks.” We don’t all use double negatives like, “haven’t got no food.” Even my grandmother, who grew up in Arkansas (which, upon discovery, people often say, “Oh, I’m so sorry,”) doesn’t use “ain’t” because, as she would say, “I was raised better than that.”
How Many Cats Is Too Many Cats?
If I had a stable living situation, a large house, and no one to judge me, I would stock the place with cats the way a pond is stocked with fish. Everywhere you turn — cat. On the table — cat. On the couch — cat. On the window — two cats. The walls would have a series of platforms for cats to perch on and glower down from like gargoyles.