Do Not Date Your Neighbor
Of course, the appeal of the hot neighbor is impossible to deny; how can you consistently rebuff a lovely visage you see every day on the stairs?
My Most Terrifying Memory
The car suddenly swerved before righting itself, and my mom quietly put a blanket over her head for the subsequent duration. I could hear her muffled sobs.
How To Improve America In 2013
Football is the most meaningless form of entertainment ever conceived.
Monologue Of A Guy Who Lost A Board Game
I’m going to have to flip the table, kick my foot through the window, tear off my own arm, eat the arm, cry, and throw up in the next four seconds if I have any hope of expunging the darkness welling up in my soul like an oil derrick.
Monologue Of A Preschool Consultant
Are you paying attention? I can see your eyes lolling about as if from extraocular muscle spasms. Okay, everyone gets Adderall. Have all the Adderall in my pocket. Do not choke on the Adderall.
Everyone On Facebook Is Having Fun Except You
Where did you go today? Besides the kitchen. All your Facebook friends visited Paris, Kenya, and Tokyo, and they’ve posted 14,000 gorgeous photos of their life-changing experiences.
Atheists Need Their Own Christmas
There will be a Christmas tree, yes, but it will be called the Slowly Dying Conifer. Why the Slowly Dying Conifer? Well, the Slowly Dying Conifer serves to remind us of the terrible truth of our lives: we did not ask to be here, but here we are.
Review of Romantic Comedy
Romantic Comedy Movie centers around a female character who at first dislikes a male character — due to their oppositional personalities, worldviews, lifestyles, etc.
5 Circumstances Under Which Cannibalism Is Acceptable To Me
On my way to the grocery store, I run into a man made of chocolate cake. “Oh my God, you’re made of cake!” I say. “How is this possible?”
It’s Time To Gloat On Facebook
Your great uncle who’s been posting ten anti-Obama image macros a day on Facebook — rub his face in this: the repudiation of his entire worldview!