How To Tell If You’re A Boltzmann Brain

So how can you tell if you’re a Boltzmann brain? First of all, examine your world and ask yourself if there are any illogical features like, say, pet psychics, dark matter, or manatees.

My 5 OkCupid Dealbreakers

If she spells “conscious” as “conches” or “embarrass” as “embaress,” she’s blown it, and by it, I mean the opportunity to date a person who writes about huffing poop on the internet. Once I see three or so misspelled words, I read the rest of the profile in a Tommy Pickles voice.

Children Are Tiny Sociopaths

I wanted to communicate how great I was. They needed to know that I was the most special, the most interesting person. I was maybe eight years old.

How My Pet Snail Was Murdered

I think it started in fifth grade biology, when I was assigned the project of caring for a snail. The snail came in a little plastic terrarium, and each student received a spray bottle to keep its environment moist and swampy.

So Your Friend Needs Top Secret Clearance

If your memory of this time’s shoddy, don’t say, “I can’t remember much because we were high all the time,” or if you can’t help yourself, add something about being on a mountain or airplane. She will ask how you two met, but don’t say, “Through our drug dealer.”

I Swear I’m Not A Child

Once I gave her my driver’s license, she then reaffirmed the fact I look young and then mocked me in that way people do when they’re being “hilarious” but are actually just awful people — rudeness disguised as jokes because it’s the only way these demons can blend into civilized society.

My Trip To The Creation Museum

A couple weeks ago, I visited the Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky with two friends, and as you’ve probably guessed, it’s a museum that seeks to give visitors a biblical perspective of Earth’s early history via a literal interpretation of The Book of Genesis (with a little room left over for speculation, whimsy, and imaginative flights of fancy, weeeee!).

How To Perform Improv

Some performers choose “German guy” while others choose “flamboyant gay stereotype.” My fallback character is “old man,” a man who’s old, hunches over, and speaks in a whiny old man voice about “the war” and other hilarious old person things.

Thanos’ OKCupid Profile

Hopefully, once I murder every living thing in existence, the female manifestation of Death might finally show me some affection. I’m also thinking about going back to grad school to get my PhD.