Thought.is

As you comb through the ruins of our dead civilization, you might be thinking to yourselves, ‘What a bunch of morons,’ or ‘How could a species be this self-destructive?’

I remember when the chief first said, “Bury yourself in the wall and be perfectly still for twelve hours.” I was like, “Say whaaaaaaat?” because the chief had only recently been promoted, and he’s already assigning busywork, acting like he’s Con-Tici Viracocha Pachayachachic, you know?

Where is my cup? Where is it? I have a list of potential suspects in The Case of the Stolen Cup. Here is the list: you. You’re the only suspect.

You’ll be telling your grandkids about the time I scanned your groceries at the Trader Joe’s, and those grandkids will tell their grandkids, and on down the line until our dying sun swells up like an untreated tumor and burns the planet to ash (which, of course, nullifies all our accomplishments).

Unprocessed air is full of allergens. Unfiltered sunlight seeds your skin with cancer. A sunset can be seen by googling the word “sunset”. Who needs the outside?

As children shift their interest from toys to iPads and videogames, the toy industry must respond with an equivalently dramatic advancement, one that can engage children aggressively but not violently. Never violently. Never.

No, wait, just listen! There’s a crawl space, you see, with wires, pipes, insulation, and I — being a man of small proportions — managed to nestle my modest frame inside like a tiny unemployed baby in a womb full of roaches and mouse skeletons.

My first job was as a cashier at one of the many world renowned Albertsons premium grocery stores…