A follow up to a flowchart called “So You Found Something Cool On The Internet,” here’s the flowchart of the internet argument – thought up by H. Caldwell Tanner and Rosscott Nover – that should effectively end all internet arguments, if anyone actually reads all the way through it.
When away from the internet, say at the grocery store or in line at Chipotle on your lunch break from an office job that requires you to be on the internet 8-10 hours a day, you actually experience these consistent twinges of visceral longing to check your email, kind of like if you checked it you’d feel normal again, or satiated in some way.
In which the author imagines the hypothetical situation where he interviews someone for the position of his girlfriend, and the interview goes pretty well.
Anyway, women, the following is a guide for whether I would sleep with you, based on your clothes. Men, although I cannot presume you share my taste in women, the red flag clothes should be universal.
Almost all of us were dancing. I sort of just moved my legs around and ‘bopped’ my upper torso and head in time with the beat. In a sort of helpless manner – because I had no idea what else to do – I moved my arms around in what I honestly felt was an extremely dorky way.
Rational • Not Ugly • Emotionally Expressive • Not Insane • Logical • Somewhat Chivalrous • Well-Adjusted • Promising Career • Appropriately Well-read • Authentic • Keeps His Shit Together • Healthy • Healthy Social Life • Honest • Minimal Participation In TV/ Mass-Market Culture • Smart • Somewhat Endearing, Sometimes • Self-Aware • Socially Aware
A “writer” is a novelist, a freelancer, a copywriter, a technical writer, a poet, a journalist, a blogger. A writer wrote the small print on the back of your Colgate and got paid an annual salary of $75,000 a year doing just that, and he’s been doing it for 20 years…
Sometimes you’ll be at a party or some situation created for the purpose of facilitating social interaction and friendship, minding your own business, really; maybe laughing with a friend or interfacing calmly with a coworker, sipping a fine whiskey, perhaps, when some thoughtless ruffian materializes out of the festive haze and demands: “Why are you so quiet?”
It seems okay to cry at home, beside your friend, after a long day that was primarily composed of a string of mini, soul-grating events, not events of a dramatic life-changing nature, but events like waking up with a hangover and finding that all your clothes hanging to dry are still wet, and so being forced to wear wet clothes to work, and at work finding that your co-worker’s called in sick…
During the final two days before election day, Shaq goes so far as to dedicate over 60 percent of his tweets to explicitly urging his followers to “pls use #ShaqmentDay hashtags in yalls tweets yall.” Later, analysts will refer to this as “troubling and [indicating that he was] possibly deranged.”