He or she gets a phone call from a friend and they proceed to have a conversation about someone’s cat or the date one of them just went on or what he or she got shopping that day while you sit there and mock interest in some old text messages on your cell phone.
On Christmas Day, Simone Back, age 42, posted the Facebook status update “Took all my pills be dead soon bye bye everyone.” That update sparked a 148-comment thread about one of her previous relationships in which many called her a liar and that she “OD’d all the time.” She had over 1,000 Facebook friends.
You know how you taught me that I was “special?” That I could do anything if I could put my mind to it? That I had something inside of me that made me superior to everyone? That it was my destiny to rise to the top of a modern tribe, my calling to be the best [something] in [field]? Is all that stuff actually true or is it just cultural dogma?
I wish I wouldn’t be the type of person that lets one (self-perceived) embarrassing or unseemly situation fester and eventually create a large gap between myself and a friend and never again attempt to bridge that gap until it is somewhat forgotten about, then just hope we avoid referring to it the next time we hang out.
If you’re honest with yourself, you must then grudgingly accept this new identity with embarrassment, shame, etc., and proceed to look down upon the person with whom you’re on the date (and vice versa), because you both are now in the same club (“those that internet date”), and that club is a club with which it is shameful to be associated.
Be a freelancer. Because working for yourself is the American/Global Dream. In today’s economy, though, be advised that what freelancing actually means is a) abusing food stamps, unemployment and food banks, b) being a barista, c) accepting the money your parents offer and d) having one (two if you’re lucky) client(s) that result in about 15% of (what you tell others is) your monthly income.
“The unjust restrictions you impose on us will meet with disaster and only strengthen our resolve to disobey… Such actions taken against you and those you outsource your malignant litigation to are inevitable and unavoidable and unstoppable. We are Anonymous. We are legion divided by zero. We do not forgive internet censorship and we do not forget free speech,” Anon’s synthetic voice warns. Video inside.
“…the way you get his sperm is by having someone get into the pool and masturbate him with a cow’s vagina filled with hot water. Even during my wildest days at Motley Crue, I never could’ve imagined something so sick and twisted.” Read Tommy Lee’s full letter to Sea World inside.
A Brazilian alligator fails pretty hard when it attempts to dine on this electric eel. According YouTube comments, the eel survives. Alligator definitely doesn’t. Video inside.
“I’ve got a yellow spider, I get everybody says they haven’t seen one yet, I got it trapped in a bottle, a jar, with sealing wax over. But you know how spiders are, y’know, they’re kinda tricky motherfuckers. Excuse my language. Plus I have an organic substance that came out of the sky, if you’re interested in helping me out to try to extract ’em…”